1420B

A conversation with a rotating stair machine set to program "aerobic", lvl 14, 20 minutes, while holding a medicine ball. (referred to henceforth as 1420B).

1420B: Back again with that medicine ball, eh? Didn't I whoop your ass last time?
me: Pipe down, I just beat you on 30 minutes.
1420B: Sans ball, hero.
me: Whatever, it's still a W.
1420B: Depends on what word it begins.
me: Well, I'm going all the way today.
1420B: Only setting me for 20 minutes? Why not 30?
me: 20 minutes with the ball is harder than 30 without, so this is a step up.
1420B: mmm.
me: I'm feeling good. Two minutes in, nice pace. I've got this.
1420B: 3 minutes, nice. Just have to do that 5 more times.
1420B : 4 minutes in. Only have to do that 4 more times. Think you can do that?
1420B : 5 minutes in. You sure you can do what you just did 3 more times?
me: shut it.
1420B: Hey, what's that on the horizon? Is that another 7 dot bar? So soon? Oh, and look, he has a twin.
me:*grunt*
1420B: Uh oh. The ball is down. Hands are on the rails. Can he even finish?
me:...
1420B: What was that? You say something? Or was that just a desperate gasp for air?
me: well, at least I finished.
1420B: If that's what you want to call it.
me: I'll be back. You're going down.
1420B: Bring it punk. You know where to find me.

More fun times at the Dee Arr

"You will feel some cold and some pressure." A true, but insufficient warning. Let me come back to that. I want to go back two years to the previous record holder for most unpleasant maneuver performed on my body by a stranger. I pulled a groin muscle working out and went to the doctor to have myself checked for possible herniation. Prior to that examination my only exposure to hernia inquiry had been the perfunctory "turn & cough" ball cradling from high school sports. This doctor stepped it up a notch or ten, however, by actually finding a way to have his fingers enter my body through my groin. Before this rather unpleasant intrusion I was not even aware that the male anatomy provided such an ingress. I am fairly certain that in addition to determining that I had only strained and not herniated those muscles he also checked both of my kidneys through the same avenue for good measure. That event had been, until today, the single most unpleasant experience involving a doctor, or anyone for that matter, handling my body.

Today that record was broken. No, smashed. At the end of a long and rather pleasant physical examination my doctor asked me to lay on my left side and bring my knees to my chest. With my gown untied at the back by this point this left the rear end of my person clearly exposed for his next move. "You will feel some cold and some pressure", he said before entering. This was, I feel in retrospect, an inappropriately terse warning. I'm a big fan of brevity and so it packs an extra wallop when I say that a clear case could be made here for a bit more verbosity. Here is my proposal for a slightly longer, but immensely more helpful, preface: "You will feel some cold and some pressure. You will also feel a strong and seemingly irresistible urge to shit on my hand. I say seemingly because it can and should, in fact, be resisted."

subcutaneous testicular paresthesia

I have no idea what those words mean. However, this morning I had the first part of my two-part physical at my doctor's office. Why am I having a physical done? I was in the doctor's office last month for some pain in my head and neck. (The pain was caused by bruising near a nerve cluster at the base of my skull. The bruising was caused by a massage that went too deep. There is a lesson here if you are not sure how deep a massage should be in order to be effective, and you don't know whether to tell her to back off or not. If you feel tears well up in your eyes, have trouble breathing calmly, and are right on the verge of crying out to God for mercy you should probably ask her to back off.) When I was in for that visit he mentioned that even though I am only 33 and seem quite healthy it would be a good idea to have a physical done since I have never had one before. I thought about it over the next couple of weeks and decided "why the hell not." So, I was in the office this morning and I had to do two things: 1) give blood 2) make water in a cup. I had been given instruction about fasting starting at midnight the night before, but I had not been instructed that there would be a urine sample. In fact, I had been told to drink "a little bit of water". Thinking that this was part of the fasting I had, in fact, restricted my water intake to below normal levels this morning. (I usually drink at least a pint of water first thing in the morning.) And there I was in the doctor's office with the nurse giving me instructions on how she was going to stab me and then have me go fill a cup, when I realized I was not going to be able to comply with her kind request. "I'm fairly certain I can't do what you are asking", I replied. She gave me a puzzled look, but made no reply. I'm sure she has no idea what I've just said, so I clarify. "I was not instructed to drink water this morning and am quite sure I can't fill that cup right now." With a very disappointed tone, "you should have been told to drink excess amounts of water for this urine sample. Did you not know about the urine sample?" In retrospect I wish I had a line ready like, "Yes, I did know about it but I thought it would be a laugh riot to show up here with an empty bladder anyway." I didn't though so I said something matter of fact like, "no". "Well, we'll get you some water and you can sit in the waiting room until you are able to do it." (Does this sounds a little bit like a naughty kid being put in time out? "You are going to sit in time out until you make your pee pee young man".)

Next it is time for my blood to be drawn. I don't have a huge aversion to needles, but I don't much like them either. I've had friends and family members who I have seen go pale and even pass out when having their blood drawn. My reaction is not nearly that severe. Mine is more subtle. It is a secret little reaction all my own. You know that feeling you might get when going over the crest of a hill in a fast car, or on a roller coaster when the bottom drops out? Well, that's not it. But it is similar to that. There is a bit of tightness in the gut and maybe some tingle in the nuts. That is not really where the sensation is, but your brain sort of makes it seem that way. Anyway, sometimes when I get stuck with needles I have this tight and almost tingly feeling in my bowels, and part of the feeling seems like it is emanating from inside my balls. Yup, I'm a freak. Which is why I wish I had said at the time she stabbed me, "Excuse me, but I believe I am experiencing a subcutaneous testicular paresthesia".