I'm officially not a "young adult" anymore. Melinda told me so today. Also, my body has been trying to tell me this for about the last year or so. Not in the creaky, groaning, "I'm old" sort of way. Not that, not yet. I didn't say I'm officially old. That is still some ways off. But it is clear that I am not a young adult. One of the clearest signs of this is on the new things I must add to my personal hygiene regimen. Primarily I am speaking here of the removal of unwanted hair. This may be either the complete removal of all hair from places that it ought not be or the beating back of sections of hair that have overstepped their boundaries. Until recently this has consisted primarily of the removal of unsightly little dark hairs that have started cropping up on the outside edges of my ears. The removal of these is no big deal and really not all that painful. It is an annoying task, but one I can deal with. Next was the one or two mutant eyebrow hairs that started growing much longer than their legal length. Since there is no real way to trim these troublesome giants they must simply be plucked. This is slightly more painful than the ear hair, but still nothing to blog about.
Then came the nose hair excursions. It started several months ago. Or at least that is when I started noticing them. One or two nose hairs would just start hanging out or down far beyond the bounds of decency. As this kind of flagrant rebellion cannot be tolerated I quickly seized my tweezers and began to remove them root and all. That is when I discovered that the roots of nose hairs are not only attached to the flesh of the inside of your nose, but they are also anchored into a central nerve cluster located at the center of your brain. This means that the forced removal of one of these wayward dirt catchers will result in blinding pain, welling tears, a running nose and sometimes sneezing. Can I just give a big "WTF!?" at this point? I mean what is the big deal about the removal of one little nose hair that necessitates all these alarms sounding? Does the body really need that much protection for those little suckers? I really hate to question the designer of this things since I know that He is wise and powerful beyond even my wildest imaginations. But still, I have to ask, is that wiring really necessary?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Superfluous Punctuation
Emails. Instant Messaging. Cell Phone Texting. These wonderful new additions to our modern lives add a very nice level of convenience that I truly enjoy. I particularly like the fact that I can communicate easily, cheaply and nearly instantaneously with family and friends hundreds of miles away using these devices. However, as much as I love the convenience of these mediums I really hate what has happened to the clarity of communications as we have gotten used to these devices. We use fragmented sentences, poor grammar, atrocious spelling and a host of other evils and write them off as "typos" or "from my phone" or "I was in a rush". Much more could be said on this topic of the sad state of writing in these mediums in general, but not today. Today I want to rant about a particularly vile manifestation of "internetese", the superfluous use of punctation.
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Monday, February 4, 2008
To My Great God
To my great God who sees everything, including this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
Friday, February 1, 2008
REI
Readily Eating Income. That is the new phrase behind the acronym. Take a look at how an innocent little shop turned into a wallet cracker.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
310
Why do you lie to me? Why do you whisper and tempt all afternoon with promises of gentle vanilla caresses and cold, creamy goodness? Why do you claw at the edges of my mind as I strain to concentrate on work? Why do you talk of how it won't be that big of a deal, and that it will be well worth it? Why, when you know that you have no intention of delivering on your promises? When you knew from the beginning that your eating is a mere shadow of your having? How could you betray me so deeply? Like the cutting of 310 tiny knives into my heart. Even with a whip abstention you are still going to cost me about 30 minutes of stairs on level 10. My lungs are aching just thinking about it now. No, you dirty, lying, thieving, dark, festering, evil cafe vanilla frappuccino you were not worth it. I hope I poop most of you out.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Nuanced Beauty of Coke
For a simple combination of sugar and carbonated water Coke really is a remarkable beverage. Take for instance its ability to take on subtle differences in taste based on the way it is stored.
1. Can
2. Bottle
3. Sack-o-Syrup (for taps. Can be great if the mix is right)
Canned coke imbibed directly from the can is probably the worst Coke experience one can have. It should be avoided at all costs and is generally the result of laziness, haste, or a summer outing lacking in proper resources. The only potentially worse way to enjoy a Coke is from a badly mixed tap. Bottled coke and tap coke can be on par with each other with some caveats. Bottled coke is more consistent so you take on less risk of a taste infringement. On the other hand a tap coke is more likely to be served over ice, which is a huge taste enhancer. To put them on equal footing would require serving the tap coke without ice, which is highly discouraged. So, really one has to concede this battle to the bottle. Moving on to formula.
Coke, as perfect and reliable as it has been to all of us for so many years (ignoring the new coke disaster), is not one unified formula. It actually varies by country/region. The three varieties I have tasted are in order of magnificence:
1. Mexico
2. USA
3. Italy
To be fair I haven't tasted the European flavor in some time and the circumstances I tried it under were less than ideal. Nonetheless I had a bad experience that has stuck with me. Setting that aside the Mexican formula is 'El Awesome'. Hands down the best coke formula in the known universe.
And now to a venue for the coke event. First a container must be chosen. Again in order of taste from greatest to least.
1. A glass glass
2. A plastic cup
3. A paper cup
4. A Styrofoam cup
This list is pretty straight forward. Similar to the principles of glass bottling, glass drinking provides a consistently superior coking.
Finally we come to the cooling mechanism. Again in order of awesome.
1. Crushed ice
2. Cubed ice
3. No Ice - chilled
4. Ice emulator (plastic dealy filled with water or some such)
5. No Ice - warm.
(I'll skip here the discussion of the proper care of ice without which your coke experience may be marred by the taste of refrigeration device.) I'm sure what stands out to you here is that plastic ice imitators have been trashed. This is just what they deserve. To drink a coke is to bask in the glory of its sugary goodness. Why screw this up by adding the experience of sucking on plastic? No. The taste of plastic sux. The only thing that it trumps is a 100% warm coke. The warm coke is the bastard step-son of cokes. You don't want it. Nobody wants it. Don't waste your time.
1. Can
2. Bottle
3. Sack-o-Syrup (for taps. Can be great if the mix is right)
Canned coke imbibed directly from the can is probably the worst Coke experience one can have. It should be avoided at all costs and is generally the result of laziness, haste, or a summer outing lacking in proper resources. The only potentially worse way to enjoy a Coke is from a badly mixed tap. Bottled coke and tap coke can be on par with each other with some caveats. Bottled coke is more consistent so you take on less risk of a taste infringement. On the other hand a tap coke is more likely to be served over ice, which is a huge taste enhancer. To put them on equal footing would require serving the tap coke without ice, which is highly discouraged. So, really one has to concede this battle to the bottle. Moving on to formula.
Coke, as perfect and reliable as it has been to all of us for so many years (ignoring the new coke disaster), is not one unified formula. It actually varies by country/region. The three varieties I have tasted are in order of magnificence:
1. Mexico
2. USA
3. Italy
To be fair I haven't tasted the European flavor in some time and the circumstances I tried it under were less than ideal. Nonetheless I had a bad experience that has stuck with me. Setting that aside the Mexican formula is 'El Awesome'. Hands down the best coke formula in the known universe.
And now to a venue for the coke event. First a container must be chosen. Again in order of taste from greatest to least.
1. A glass glass
2. A plastic cup
3. A paper cup
4. A Styrofoam cup
This list is pretty straight forward. Similar to the principles of glass bottling, glass drinking provides a consistently superior coking.
Finally we come to the cooling mechanism. Again in order of awesome.
1. Crushed ice
2. Cubed ice
3. No Ice - chilled
4. Ice emulator (plastic dealy filled with water or some such)
5. No Ice - warm.
(I'll skip here the discussion of the proper care of ice without which your coke experience may be marred by the taste of refrigeration device.) I'm sure what stands out to you here is that plastic ice imitators have been trashed. This is just what they deserve. To drink a coke is to bask in the glory of its sugary goodness. Why screw this up by adding the experience of sucking on plastic? No. The taste of plastic sux. The only thing that it trumps is a 100% warm coke. The warm coke is the bastard step-son of cokes. You don't want it. Nobody wants it. Don't waste your time.
Pepsi sux
It is not a debatable point. It is not a matter of opinion. It is a plain and simple fact. A pure and objective truth. Pepsi sux.
Pepsi was created when Satan squeezed a zit on the rim of his anus and poured the resulting puss over ice and served it to a customer while working the night shift at Shifty's All-Night Burger in Southern California. True story.
Given the irrefutable fact that Pepsi sux how can it then be so quickly offered as a substitute for coke when some crappy restaurant has decided not to serve coke? I mean they are not even the same KIND of thing. Coke is a tasty beverage with depth and nuance (more on this in another post). Pepsi is pure liquid suck. If they ran out of steaks and I ordered a steak would the waiter offer me a concrete cinder block or a cup of motor oil as viable replacements? No. Why then, I ask you, is it acceptable for this to occur:
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink.
Me: Coke
Waiter: We have pepsi?
At this point I should respond with:
Me: Interesting. Do you have anything else completely unrelated to the tasty beverage that is coke you'd like to offer to sell me? Perhaps some maggot infested cheetah carcasses?
Yeesh.
Pepsi was created when Satan squeezed a zit on the rim of his anus and poured the resulting puss over ice and served it to a customer while working the night shift at Shifty's All-Night Burger in Southern California. True story.
Given the irrefutable fact that Pepsi sux how can it then be so quickly offered as a substitute for coke when some crappy restaurant has decided not to serve coke? I mean they are not even the same KIND of thing. Coke is a tasty beverage with depth and nuance (more on this in another post). Pepsi is pure liquid suck. If they ran out of steaks and I ordered a steak would the waiter offer me a concrete cinder block or a cup of motor oil as viable replacements? No. Why then, I ask you, is it acceptable for this to occur:
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink.
Me: Coke
Waiter: We have pepsi?
At this point I should respond with:
Me: Interesting. Do you have anything else completely unrelated to the tasty beverage that is coke you'd like to offer to sell me? Perhaps some maggot infested cheetah carcasses?
Yeesh.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ninja Code #123
Some chat logs are worth keeping.
matthew: that is odd to me - that they wouldn't call you. Unless they are sending a very subtle message that they'd rather not have you along.
matthew: that is odd to me - that they wouldn't call you. Unless they are sending a very subtle message that they'd rather not have you along.
7:24 AM me: I'm going to send a subtle message when I put a bomb in their car
matthew: Maybe you misunderstood.
the time I mean
me: and kill their children
and burn down their houses
matthew: I just can't believe that people would be that rude. THats damned rude.
7:25 AM or at least unleash a tirade of blistering rhetoric.
and sarcasm ...
me: burn their souls instead? maybe that will work
but I must have my vengeance!
7:27 AM matthew: you may have to bring out... "The Book of Ultimake Dark, Nasty, and Mean Supernatural Inflictions" ... or as its other wise known ... The Book of UDNAMSI...
Oh dam ...
me: LOL
matthew: its serious ...
did the lights just dim?
me: lol
7:28 AM matthew: see ...
its all better ...
you laughed ...
crisis averted
me: I did, but they must still die
matthew: oh well ...
call it thinning the heard ... that makes it sound more humane ...
7:29 AM If I ever get accused of murder - - - I'm gonna try that defense.
me: They made me get up WAY too early to just let that shit slide on by without even a single killing. Imagine if word got out onto the streets that I was letting that sort of thing fly?
I'd have my ninja status revoked
7:30 AM at least 7 ninjas would be dispatched immediately to permanently revoke my life status as well
7:31 AM matthew: But the whole point of maintaining your rep would be for people to KNOW it was you that did the killing, but your Ninja oaths requiring stealth, require that no-one know who or when the killing was accomplished. If you were so brazen and sloppy as to let your "involvement" be widely known - you may also be endangering your ninjsa tatus ...
a tough dilemma.
7:32 AM me: agreed. Let's err on the side of death though.
to be safe
matthew: ahh - falling back on the Ninja Code Number 123. Always a good bet.
7:33 AM me: lol
yeah
Code 123 - "Always Err on the side of death."
Never Trust a Fart
Yesterday I was in meetings all day. At some point during the day there was a short break and I headed for the John. When I pulled up to the urinal a guy I know, and who is also in this all day meeting, was in the urinal to my left. As I began to drain the lizard I let loose this large volume of gas that had been pestering me for over an hour. The sudden release of this large volume of pent up gases produced a flatulence that was nearly ear-splitting in volume. This caused no visible or audible reaction in my bathroom partner. I, on the other hand, was physically unable to prevent snickering and chuckling of the juvenile variety which are often evoked in young men as the result of such emanations. It was this loss of composure, and not the causal fart that produced in me some degree of embarrassment. This embarrassment only increased as my attempts to suppress the chuckling served to increase its desire to erupt. I am 4.
The bowels of bad code
Sometimes when wading deep into the bowels of a horrendously fiendish code base I will go through various stages of mental anguish on my way to a total mental breakdown.
Stage 1: Bewilderment and questioning. Things like "how does this even work?" "Are you sure this works?" "Can someone show me this running in production, I don't believe this works".
Stage 1: Bewilderment and questioning. Things like "how does this even work?" "Are you sure this works?" "Can someone show me this running in production, I don't believe this works".
Stage 2: Cursing, anger, and fear. "Fuck". "OMFG, no way this shit can be this bad." "What the fuck could they have been thinking." "Dear God, please help..."
Stage 3: Laughter. The mind has begun to lose it's hold on the fabric of reality. There is a small tearing sound originating from behind the right ear, followed by snickers and then belly laughs. After a while you realize the laughter is coming from your own mouth.
Stage 4: Tears. Crocodiles only dream of weeping tears this big and perfect.
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