The Three Laws of Buying

Introduction
The 3 laws help us to focus on what is important, and avoid a great deal of confusion. They come in the form of questions designed to help us navigate past treacherous pitfalls that could prevent us from achieving buyer’s bliss. These pitfalls are many and varied, but the most insidious come to us in the guise of honest questions such as: “Can I afford this?”, “Do I need it?”, “What is the opportunity cost of this purchase?”, or “Is there a better way to spend or invest this money?”. Don’t let these wolves in sheep’s clothing stand between you and purchased happiness. If you want it, that is enough. You only need to walk yourselves through the 3 laws. They will help to guide you towards acquiring it. With each law you are looking for a way to get an answer of yes to the question. If at any point you achieve a yes, then you need not proceed to the next law. You should then immediately go out and acquire your desired item using the method indicated by the law from which you garnered a yes.

Law I: Do I have enough cash on hand?
This law is so simple, yet too many people blow right past it too hastily. Remember not to get caught up in questions like, “What will happen in an emergency if I spend the money from the emergency fund?”, or “My husband will kill me if I take money out of the vacation fund without telling him.” Listen folks, you have to live for today. Emergencies, vacations and the like can be handled when they arrive, why worry about them right now? This law keeps you on track in this area and is very simple to follow. Check the accounts at your bank, the change jar at home, under the sofa cushions, the ashtray in the car, etc… Then just count up all the money you find, if the amount is greater than or equal to the price of your desired item, then you can answer Yes to Law I.

This second part of Law I is a bit more complicated, but well worth your time. The principle here is that many things that we accumulate over time can be converted into cash in a relatively short period of time. This includes things like retirement accounts (401(K)s, IRAs, Stocks, Bonds, and mutual fund holdings), Educational accounts, and Equity in your home. Who knows if you will live to retirement or not anyway? All you know is that there is something you want right now which you do not yet possess. The goal then is to take possession of it. Let’s not allow those nasty questions we mentioned earlier cause us to stumble. Turn those useless, non-pleasure generating items into cash and BUY! If you have any of these types of things, and can convert them to enough cash to acquire your desired item, then you can answer yes to Law I.

Law II: Can I borrow enough to pay for it?
This is in some ways similar to Law I, but in some ways it is much easier. This is getting someone else to pay for your purchase. Isn’t that incredible? What a wonderful country we live in that other people are willing to give us their money so that we can have the things we want right now, rather than waiting until we have earned enough cash by working for it. Hear me now people, and be very wary of this one. There are many Nay-Sayers out in the world today screaming about interest rates, borrowing against future income, and the opportunity cost of borrowing. Please follow these instructions carefully when anyone approaches you with such heresy: 1) Place you fingers in your ears 2) Yell as loud as you can over and over again, “I can’t hear you!” 3) Walk away. This should keep you out of trouble, and lead you into happiness. All you have to do then to answer yes to this Law is accept an offer. I know that sounds too easy, but it is true. Thousands of people in this wonderful, generous nation of ours are dying to give you THEIR money right now, all you have to do is say yes. You’ll get offers in the mail, fill them out and send them back. You’ll get offers via email, reply to them. You’ll get calls on the phone, by all means please say yes to those representatives to whatever they offer. And also remember to always check the box on all applications that says they can share your personal information with anyone they want, this will ensure you an endless supply of such offers for the rest of your life.

Law III: Can I make the government pay for it?
This last law is a product of the great strides our country has made towards becoming a socialist nation. We can be thankful that our elected and appointed representatives alike have been hard at work advancing the desires of the majority of Americans to convert from an inefficient and unfair system of capitalism, to a more loving and kind socialist system. We’re not there yet folks, so please keep voting for big gov and we’ll get there soon enough. Anyway, this third law is in some ways the most powerful of all 3 laws. This is because it has the potential of making other people pay for your stuff without you ever having to pay it back. Imagine the purchasing power if you can tap into the income of 300 million fat-cat, overstuffed, greedily rich, capitalist pig American taxpayers. Bring out the gravy honey, cuz the turkey is done. Listen, if you have debts that you incurred from your use of Law II, you should immediately file bankruptcy. I don’t care how much (or little) you owe, or even whether you have enough money to pay for it. If you can get other people to pay for your debts, you should. I don’t have the time or energy to list out all of the other money buffets that are out there. Just take a little time, contact state and federal agencies. Look around on the Internet. The time taken will be worth your while. See if there are any government programs you can qualify for. Who cares if you need it. If you CAN get it, you should. Even if you don’t qualify immediately, perhaps you can modify something about your life to qualify. For example if a certain program has an income cap, try working less hours, or even part-time. If you can sneak in just below the cap it may be worth your while. Finally, don’t forget that a fraudulent tax filing is a great way to get the government to send you some extra cash every spring.