I'm officially not a "young adult" anymore. Melinda told me so today. Also, my body has been trying to tell me this for about the last year or so. Not in the creaky, groaning, "I'm old" sort of way. Not that, not yet. I didn't say I'm officially old. That is still some ways off. But it is clear that I am not a young adult. One of the clearest signs of this is on the new things I must add to my personal hygiene regimen. Primarily I am speaking here of the removal of unwanted hair. This may be either the complete removal of all hair from places that it ought not be or the beating back of sections of hair that have overstepped their boundaries. Until recently this has consisted primarily of the removal of unsightly little dark hairs that have started cropping up on the outside edges of my ears. The removal of these is no big deal and really not all that painful. It is an annoying task, but one I can deal with. Next was the one or two mutant eyebrow hairs that started growing much longer than their legal length. Since there is no real way to trim these troublesome giants they must simply be plucked. This is slightly more painful than the ear hair, but still nothing to blog about.
Then came the nose hair excursions. It started several months ago. Or at least that is when I started noticing them. One or two nose hairs would just start hanging out or down far beyond the bounds of decency. As this kind of flagrant rebellion cannot be tolerated I quickly seized my tweezers and began to remove them root and all. That is when I discovered that the roots of nose hairs are not only attached to the flesh of the inside of your nose, but they are also anchored into a central nerve cluster located at the center of your brain. This means that the forced removal of one of these wayward dirt catchers will result in blinding pain, welling tears, a running nose and sometimes sneezing. Can I just give a big "WTF!?" at this point? I mean what is the big deal about the removal of one little nose hair that necessitates all these alarms sounding? Does the body really need that much protection for those little suckers? I really hate to question the designer of this things since I know that He is wise and powerful beyond even my wildest imaginations. But still, I have to ask, is that wiring really necessary?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Superfluous Punctuation
Emails. Instant Messaging. Cell Phone Texting. These wonderful new additions to our modern lives add a very nice level of convenience that I truly enjoy. I particularly like the fact that I can communicate easily, cheaply and nearly instantaneously with family and friends hundreds of miles away using these devices. However, as much as I love the convenience of these mediums I really hate what has happened to the clarity of communications as we have gotten used to these devices. We use fragmented sentences, poor grammar, atrocious spelling and a host of other evils and write them off as "typos" or "from my phone" or "I was in a rush". Much more could be said on this topic of the sad state of writing in these mediums in general, but not today. Today I want to rant about a particularly vile manifestation of "internetese", the superfluous use of punctation.
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Monday, February 4, 2008
To My Great God
To my great God who sees everything, including this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
Friday, February 1, 2008
REI
Readily Eating Income. That is the new phrase behind the acronym. Take a look at how an innocent little shop turned into a wallet cracker.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
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