Wednesday, January 30, 2008

310

Why do you lie to me? Why do you whisper and tempt all afternoon with promises of gentle vanilla caresses and cold, creamy goodness? Why do you claw at the edges of my mind as I strain to concentrate on work? Why do you talk of how it won't be that big of a deal, and that it will be well worth it? Why, when you know that you have no intention of delivering on your promises? When you knew from the beginning that your eating is a mere shadow of your having? How could you betray me so deeply? Like the cutting of 310 tiny knives into my heart. Even with a whip abstention you are still going to cost me about 30 minutes of stairs on level 10. My lungs are aching just thinking about it now. No, you dirty, lying, thieving, dark, festering, evil cafe vanilla frappuccino you were not worth it. I hope I poop most of you out.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Nuanced Beauty of Coke

For a simple combination of sugar and carbonated water Coke really is a remarkable beverage. Take for instance its ability to take on subtle differences in taste based on the way it is stored.
1. Can
2. Bottle
3. Sack-o-Syrup (for taps. Can be great if the mix is right)

Canned coke imbibed directly from the can is probably the worst Coke experience one can have. It should be avoided at all costs and is generally the result of laziness, haste, or a summer outing lacking in proper resources. The only potentially worse way to enjoy a Coke is from a badly mixed tap. Bottled coke and tap coke can be on par with each other with some caveats. Bottled coke is more consistent so you take on less risk of a taste infringement. On the other hand a tap coke is more likely to be served over ice, which is a huge taste enhancer. To put them on equal footing would require serving the tap coke without ice, which is highly discouraged. So, really one has to concede this battle to the bottle. Moving on to formula.

Coke, as perfect and reliable as it has been to all of us for so many years (ignoring the new coke disaster), is not one unified formula. It actually varies by country/region. The three varieties I have tasted are in order of magnificence:
1. Mexico
2. USA
3. Italy

To be fair I haven't tasted the European flavor in some time and the circumstances I tried it under were less than ideal. Nonetheless I had a bad experience that has stuck with me. Setting that aside the Mexican formula is 'El Awesome'. Hands down the best coke formula in the known universe.

And now to a venue for the coke event. First a container must be chosen. Again in order of taste from greatest to least.
1. A glass glass
2. A plastic cup
3. A paper cup
4. A Styrofoam cup

This list is pretty straight forward. Similar to the principles of glass bottling, glass drinking provides a consistently superior coking.

Finally we come to the cooling mechanism. Again in order of awesome.
1. Crushed ice
2. Cubed ice
3. No Ice - chilled
4. Ice emulator (plastic dealy filled with water or some such)
5. No Ice - warm.

(I'll skip here the discussion of the proper care of ice without which your coke experience may be marred by the taste of refrigeration device.) I'm sure what stands out to you here is that plastic ice imitators have been trashed. This is just what they deserve. To drink a coke is to bask in the glory of its sugary goodness. Why screw this up by adding the experience of sucking on plastic? No. The taste of plastic sux. The only thing that it trumps is a 100% warm coke. The warm coke is the bastard step-son of cokes. You don't want it. Nobody wants it. Don't waste your time.

Pepsi sux

It is not a debatable point. It is not a matter of opinion. It is a plain and simple fact. A pure and objective truth. Pepsi sux.

Pepsi was created when Satan squeezed a zit on the rim of his anus and poured the resulting puss over ice and served it to a customer while working the night shift at Shifty's All-Night Burger in Southern California. True story.

Given the irrefutable fact that Pepsi sux how can it then be so quickly offered as a substitute for coke when some crappy restaurant has decided not to serve coke? I mean they are not even the same KIND of thing. Coke is a tasty beverage with depth and nuance (more on this in another post). Pepsi is pure liquid suck. If they ran out of steaks and I ordered a steak would the waiter offer me a concrete cinder block or a cup of motor oil as viable replacements? No. Why then, I ask you, is it acceptable for this to occur:

Waiter: Would you like anything to drink.
Me: Coke
Waiter: We have pepsi?

At this point I should respond with:
Me: Interesting. Do you have anything else completely unrelated to the tasty beverage that is coke you'd like to offer to sell me? Perhaps some maggot infested cheetah carcasses?


Yeesh.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Ninja Code #123

Some chat logs are worth keeping.

matthew: that is odd to me - that they wouldn't call you. Unless they are sending a very subtle message that they'd rather not have you along.
7:24 AM me: I'm going to send a subtle message when I put a bomb in their car
matthew: Maybe you misunderstood.
the time I mean
me: and kill their children
and burn down their houses
matthew: I just can't believe that people would be that rude. THats damned rude.
7:25 AM or at least unleash a tirade of blistering rhetoric.
and sarcasm ...
me: burn their souls instead? maybe that will work
but I must have my vengeance!
7:27 AM matthew: you may have to bring out... "The Book of Ultimake Dark, Nasty, and Mean Supernatural Inflictions" ... or as its other wise known ... The Book of UDNAMSI...
Oh dam ...
me: LOL
matthew: its serious ...
did the lights just dim?
me: lol
7:28 AM matthew: see ...
its all better ...
you laughed ...
crisis averted
me: I did, but they must still die
matthew: oh well ...
call it thinning the heard ... that makes it sound more humane ...
7:29 AM If I ever get accused of murder - - - I'm gonna try that defense.
me: They made me get up WAY too early to just let that shit slide on by without even a single killing. Imagine if word got out onto the streets that I was letting that sort of thing fly?
I'd have my ninja status revoked
7:30 AM at least 7 ninjas would be dispatched immediately to permanently revoke my life status as well
7:31 AM matthew: But the whole point of maintaining your rep would be for people to KNOW it was you that did the killing, but your Ninja oaths requiring stealth, require that no-one know who or when the killing was accomplished. If you were so brazen and sloppy as to let your "involvement" be widely known - you may also be endangering your ninjsa tatus ...
a tough dilemma.
7:32 AM me: agreed. Let's err on the side of death though.
to be safe
matthew: ahh - falling back on the Ninja Code Number 123. Always a good bet.
7:33 AM me: lol
yeah
Code 123 - "Always Err on the side of death."

Never Trust a Fart

Yesterday I was in meetings all day. At some point during the day there was a short break and I headed for the John. When I pulled up to the urinal a guy I know, and who is also in this all day meeting, was in the urinal to my left. As I began to drain the lizard I let loose this large volume of gas that had been pestering me for over an hour. The sudden release of this large volume of pent up gases produced a flatulence that was nearly ear-splitting in volume. This caused no visible or audible reaction in my bathroom partner. I, on the other hand, was physically unable to prevent snickering and chuckling of the juvenile variety which are often evoked in young men as the result of such emanations. It was this loss of composure, and not the causal fart that produced in me some degree of embarrassment. This embarrassment only increased as my attempts to suppress the chuckling served to increase its desire to erupt. I am 4.

The bowels of bad code

Sometimes when wading deep into the bowels of a horrendously fiendish code base I will go through various stages of mental anguish on my way to a total mental breakdown.

Stage 1: Bewilderment and questioning. Things like "how does this even work?" "Are you sure this works?" "Can someone show me this running in production, I don't believe this works".

Stage 2: Cursing, anger, and fear. "Fuck". "OMFG, no way this shit can be this bad." "What the fuck could they have been thinking." "Dear God, please help..."

Stage 3: Laughter. The mind has begun to lose it's hold on the fabric of reality. There is a small tearing sound originating from behind the right ear, followed by snickers and then belly laughs. After a while you realize the laughter is coming from your own mouth.

Stage 4: Tears. Crocodiles only dream of weeping tears this big and perfect.