Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The only winning move is not to play?

I wondered recently about the nature of opinions. Maybe the right word here is not opinion. The correct word may be advice. In any case, I was considering the situation where someone explains a situation they are facing in life and either implicitly or explicitly ask you to comment. In the implicit form they relate their situation in a manner that your passive reception of their narrative is not sufficient. Some sort of response is required. In the explicit form they directly ask for advice on what to do in the situation described.

What I realized this week is that when that request for comment is made (implicit or explicit) the requester is often asking for you to tell them what you would do if you were them and faced with the situation. But this is foolishness of the highest order for two reasons: 1) It is impossible to answer since the person asked is NOT, in fact, the person asking 2) The person asking already knows the answer to their inquiry when formed this way since they ARE, in fact, themselves currently faced with that exact situation. Phrased another way they are asking you to read their mind and tell them their own opinion so that they can feel reassured about the choice they have already made by having someone echo it back to them.

Since the only possible answer I can give them to their inquiry is to tell them what I would do in that situation, it seems I can only disappoint. This I think may be the reason why I am the "King of NO", "Slayer of Dreams", "Destroyer of Fancies" and "Potentate of Parade Peeing". Here are my options, as I seem them, when placed in this situation:

1) Say nothing.
2) Tell the truth as I would if I were faced with it.
3) Try to guess what they would do and tell them that.
4) Say something reassuring and evasive.

And my evaluation of each option:

1) This never satisfies they requester. They want an answer. Silence pretty much never flies. And most of the time silence itself is interpreted as an answer of sorts, always assumed to be negative. In effect, if you aren't with them you are against them.
2) Not at all what they wanted. Most of the time is upsetting.
3) I find this kind of mental gymnastics tiring and not at all in line with my character. It has the feel of dishonesty and the stink of manipulation. I hate this approach.
4) This is a variation of #1 where you trick them into thinking you said something when you actually said nothing of any consequence. This fails for the same reason #1 fails, but less often. And I hate it for the same reason as I hate #3.

At the end of the day, this means I ride the #2 train all the way home. Apropos for me in so many ways.

3 comments:

Bellawhoop said...

You do have a point here. An interesting read this morning...that I will ponder throughout the day. Providing an opinion can be a difficult task. However, if it's a specific situation that needs addressing, perhaps the best option is to provide wisdom...and Scripture never fails. :-)

Anonymous said...

I just read this revelation now and I want to say one thing. If anyone who knows you asks you for your opinion, I have to believe they KNOW they're going to get YOUR honest, straightforward, not sugar coated, what YOU would do opinion. They also have to know that ANY opinion/advice you give them comes straight from your heart. I know that if you care enough to give someone your opinion/advice, then what you DO say is without malice or hurtful intent. In fact it's always meant to help and with the intent sharing your wisdom, intelligence and caring.
MY ADVICE to you is to always, ALWAYS tell the truth as you now do. I need you to know my beloved son, when I ask for your opinion and or advice, I'm asking because I know I'll a get good, sound, heartfelt response. Please please please don't change that!

SonbyGrace said...

blah-blah ... I just wrote a big long well conceived commetn about this blog, bot the stupid blogger-comment crap-head poster-thingy, lost it - so I'm not gonna do it again.

Give it high, and hard, with no, lube. People that ask for, or even hint-at, wanting your opinion - should know that they do-so at their own peril.