subcutaneous testicular paresthesia

I have no idea what those words mean. However, this morning I had the first part of my two-part physical at my doctor's office. Why am I having a physical done? I was in the doctor's office last month for some pain in my head and neck. (The pain was caused by bruising near a nerve cluster at the base of my skull. The bruising was caused by a massage that went too deep. There is a lesson here if you are not sure how deep a massage should be in order to be effective, and you don't know whether to tell her to back off or not. If you feel tears well up in your eyes, have trouble breathing calmly, and are right on the verge of crying out to God for mercy you should probably ask her to back off.) When I was in for that visit he mentioned that even though I am only 33 and seem quite healthy it would be a good idea to have a physical done since I have never had one before. I thought about it over the next couple of weeks and decided "why the hell not." So, I was in the office this morning and I had to do two things: 1) give blood 2) make water in a cup. I had been given instruction about fasting starting at midnight the night before, but I had not been instructed that there would be a urine sample. In fact, I had been told to drink "a little bit of water". Thinking that this was part of the fasting I had, in fact, restricted my water intake to below normal levels this morning. (I usually drink at least a pint of water first thing in the morning.) And there I was in the doctor's office with the nurse giving me instructions on how she was going to stab me and then have me go fill a cup, when I realized I was not going to be able to comply with her kind request. "I'm fairly certain I can't do what you are asking", I replied. She gave me a puzzled look, but made no reply. I'm sure she has no idea what I've just said, so I clarify. "I was not instructed to drink water this morning and am quite sure I can't fill that cup right now." With a very disappointed tone, "you should have been told to drink excess amounts of water for this urine sample. Did you not know about the urine sample?" In retrospect I wish I had a line ready like, "Yes, I did know about it but I thought it would be a laugh riot to show up here with an empty bladder anyway." I didn't though so I said something matter of fact like, "no". "Well, we'll get you some water and you can sit in the waiting room until you are able to do it." (Does this sounds a little bit like a naughty kid being put in time out? "You are going to sit in time out until you make your pee pee young man".)

Next it is time for my blood to be drawn. I don't have a huge aversion to needles, but I don't much like them either. I've had friends and family members who I have seen go pale and even pass out when having their blood drawn. My reaction is not nearly that severe. Mine is more subtle. It is a secret little reaction all my own. You know that feeling you might get when going over the crest of a hill in a fast car, or on a roller coaster when the bottom drops out? Well, that's not it. But it is similar to that. There is a bit of tightness in the gut and maybe some tingle in the nuts. That is not really where the sensation is, but your brain sort of makes it seem that way. Anyway, sometimes when I get stuck with needles I have this tight and almost tingly feeling in my bowels, and part of the feeling seems like it is emanating from inside my balls. Yup, I'm a freak. Which is why I wish I had said at the time she stabbed me, "Excuse me, but I believe I am experiencing a subcutaneous testicular paresthesia".