Yesterday I had some charges reversed on my Verizon bill. $175 worth of charges. All I had to do was ask. I just called customer service, and was very pleasant to the woman who answered my call. I asked her to please upgrade my plan from 700 minutes to 1400 minutes and make it retroactive to last month to cancel the $175 worth of overage minutes Melinda and I racked up. And she did it. No yelling, no asking for a supervisor. I just asked nicely and she helped me. And this isn't the first time.
Last month I got a bill from AT&T because I canceled one month before the end of my two year contract. They billed me the entire cancellation amount for both phones: $350. I called their customer service and asked politely to have those charges removed. At first the lady said she could not do that since the contract was not up. I asked again. She removed them.
Last month I bounced a check. I'm fairly certain this was the first time in my life. Somehow I had the erroneous idea in my head that my savings account and checking account were linked for overdrafts. Not sure where I got that idea from, but it was false. So my $500 check to the tree removal service bounced while $10K sat in my money market account being useless. The bank bounced the check to my tree guy and charged me $30. I called customer service. I politely asked them to remove the $30 charge, which they did without complaint.
Earlier this year we were having a strange problem with our Chase Credit Card bills. We pay our entire balance every month, but the date that we pay it on was out of synch with their billing cycle or some such. I still don't understand it obviously. Anyway, three months in a row we were assessed charges of about $30. Melinda called customer service and after a long, but pleasant conversation all charges were credited back to us for a total of around $100. They also advised us to pay on the first of each month, which we now do.
Also, earlier this year I called the lender holding my mortgage note (Wells Fargo) and asked about a refinance. They were able to lower my rate with a no-cost refinance (not rolled into the loan, paid by the spread). My payment went down $200/month. I paid no closing costs. My loan principle remained constant. I just asked them to lower my rate and they did (glossing over the paperwork hassle part of course).
Grand total that's about $3055 of my money saved, just by asking nicely. So, don't just sit there reading this blog, go ask someone for some money, it works.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Ecclesiastes 2:17
So I hated life, because what is done under the sun was grievous to me, for all is vanity and a striving after the wind.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Strategy Meeting
Today in a board room somewhere the following conversation occurred.
CEO: We've got a real problem, gentlemen. Sales are stagnant. Our employees are bored and unmotivated. Morale is at an all-time low.
VP of Sales: We need to reinvent ourselves. We need an invigorating campaign. What we need is some freshness, some newness.
Chief Strategy Officer: We should rework our mission statement and our motto.
Chief Marketing Officer: We need to totally reinvent ourselves.
CEO: Our workforce seems to be getting younger, and our corporate culture is out of touch with that generation. How can we motivate them.
VP of Sales: These young people like music. We should tell them that we think they are rock stars. They will be uplifted and productivity will increase.
Chief Marketing Officer: And we could change our logo to be a flaming guitar!
CEO: But how do we counterbalance our internal motivation campaign with our customers' desires?
Chief Strategy Officer: I've always been a fan of clever word play. We could change our motto to incorporate a catchy way to say that we are a technology firm, but also that we are hip by using sexual innuendo.
Chief Marketing Officer: I have our solution! We'll change our motto to "We do IT better".
CEO: What?
Chief Marketing Officer: "We do IT better"
CEO: it what?
Chief Marketing Officer: No, not 'it', IT. Get it?
CEO: Ohhhhh, that's brilliant.
Chief Marketing Officer: I know. And we can bold and italicize the font to make it obvious.
CEO: I love it.
VP of Sales: But what font will we use for 'IT'
Chief Marketing Officer: My God, you're right. I have absolutely no idea. This is critical to our fresh campaign. I say we bring in an outside branding consultant to nail down our font.
CEO: We've got a real problem, gentlemen. Sales are stagnant. Our employees are bored and unmotivated. Morale is at an all-time low.
VP of Sales: We need to reinvent ourselves. We need an invigorating campaign. What we need is some freshness, some newness.
Chief Strategy Officer: We should rework our mission statement and our motto.
Chief Marketing Officer: We need to totally reinvent ourselves.
CEO: Our workforce seems to be getting younger, and our corporate culture is out of touch with that generation. How can we motivate them.
VP of Sales: These young people like music. We should tell them that we think they are rock stars. They will be uplifted and productivity will increase.
Chief Marketing Officer: And we could change our logo to be a flaming guitar!
CEO: But how do we counterbalance our internal motivation campaign with our customers' desires?
Chief Strategy Officer: I've always been a fan of clever word play. We could change our motto to incorporate a catchy way to say that we are a technology firm, but also that we are hip by using sexual innuendo.
Chief Marketing Officer: I have our solution! We'll change our motto to "We do IT better".
CEO: What?
Chief Marketing Officer: "We do IT better"
CEO: it what?
Chief Marketing Officer: No, not 'it', IT. Get it?
CEO: Ohhhhh, that's brilliant.
Chief Marketing Officer: I know. And we can bold and italicize the font to make it obvious.
CEO: I love it.
VP of Sales: But what font will we use for 'IT'
Chief Marketing Officer: My God, you're right. I have absolutely no idea. This is critical to our fresh campaign. I say we bring in an outside branding consultant to nail down our font.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
More ways to waste time
My blog has been neglected. No crappy poetry that could have used two more edits before being posted. No witty anecdotes about poop. Just the occasional twitter update in the gadget on the side. It's sad, I know. I've been diverted. I've been working crazy hours. I've been working on my novel. I've been tweeting on twitter. And now, there is quillpill. At this point its just an experiment that Eric talked me into trying. The approach I am taking with it right now is that it is a way for me to play with some elements of the back story of my novel. That way even when I am "quilling" I can still feel like I am working on my novel. Have a peek if you like.
http://www.quillpill.com/author/beuru/books/Beuru/
http://www.quillpill.com/author/beuru/books/Beuru/
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The only winning move is not to play?
I wondered recently about the nature of opinions. Maybe the right word here is not opinion. The correct word may be advice. In any case, I was considering the situation where someone explains a situation they are facing in life and either implicitly or explicitly ask you to comment. In the implicit form they relate their situation in a manner that your passive reception of their narrative is not sufficient. Some sort of response is required. In the explicit form they directly ask for advice on what to do in the situation described.
What I realized this week is that when that request for comment is made (implicit or explicit) the requester is often asking for you to tell them what you would do if you were them and faced with the situation. But this is foolishness of the highest order for two reasons: 1) It is impossible to answer since the person asked is NOT, in fact, the person asking 2) The person asking already knows the answer to their inquiry when formed this way since they ARE, in fact, themselves currently faced with that exact situation. Phrased another way they are asking you to read their mind and tell them their own opinion so that they can feel reassured about the choice they have already made by having someone echo it back to them.
Since the only possible answer I can give them to their inquiry is to tell them what I would do in that situation, it seems I can only disappoint. This I think may be the reason why I am the "King of NO", "Slayer of Dreams", "Destroyer of Fancies" and "Potentate of Parade Peeing". Here are my options, as I seem them, when placed in this situation:
1) Say nothing.
2) Tell the truth as I would if I were faced with it.
3) Try to guess what they would do and tell them that.
4) Say something reassuring and evasive.
And my evaluation of each option:
1) This never satisfies they requester. They want an answer. Silence pretty much never flies. And most of the time silence itself is interpreted as an answer of sorts, always assumed to be negative. In effect, if you aren't with them you are against them.
2) Not at all what they wanted. Most of the time is upsetting.
3) I find this kind of mental gymnastics tiring and not at all in line with my character. It has the feel of dishonesty and the stink of manipulation. I hate this approach.
4) This is a variation of #1 where you trick them into thinking you said something when you actually said nothing of any consequence. This fails for the same reason #1 fails, but less often. And I hate it for the same reason as I hate #3.
At the end of the day, this means I ride the #2 train all the way home. Apropos for me in so many ways.
What I realized this week is that when that request for comment is made (implicit or explicit) the requester is often asking for you to tell them what you would do if you were them and faced with the situation. But this is foolishness of the highest order for two reasons: 1) It is impossible to answer since the person asked is NOT, in fact, the person asking 2) The person asking already knows the answer to their inquiry when formed this way since they ARE, in fact, themselves currently faced with that exact situation. Phrased another way they are asking you to read their mind and tell them their own opinion so that they can feel reassured about the choice they have already made by having someone echo it back to them.
Since the only possible answer I can give them to their inquiry is to tell them what I would do in that situation, it seems I can only disappoint. This I think may be the reason why I am the "King of NO", "Slayer of Dreams", "Destroyer of Fancies" and "Potentate of Parade Peeing". Here are my options, as I seem them, when placed in this situation:
1) Say nothing.
2) Tell the truth as I would if I were faced with it.
3) Try to guess what they would do and tell them that.
4) Say something reassuring and evasive.
And my evaluation of each option:
1) This never satisfies they requester. They want an answer. Silence pretty much never flies. And most of the time silence itself is interpreted as an answer of sorts, always assumed to be negative. In effect, if you aren't with them you are against them.
2) Not at all what they wanted. Most of the time is upsetting.
3) I find this kind of mental gymnastics tiring and not at all in line with my character. It has the feel of dishonesty and the stink of manipulation. I hate this approach.
4) This is a variation of #1 where you trick them into thinking you said something when you actually said nothing of any consequence. This fails for the same reason #1 fails, but less often. And I hate it for the same reason as I hate #3.
At the end of the day, this means I ride the #2 train all the way home. Apropos for me in so many ways.
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Three Laws of Buying
Introduction
The 3 laws help us to focus on what is important, and avoid a great deal of confusion. They come in the form of questions designed to help us navigate past treacherous pitfalls that could prevent us from achieving buyer’s bliss. These pitfalls are many and varied, but the most insidious come to us in the guise of honest questions such as: “Can I afford this?”, “Do I need it?”, “What is the opportunity cost of this purchase?”, or “Is there a better way to spend or invest this money?”. Don’t let these wolves in sheep’s clothing stand between you and purchased happiness. If you want it, that is enough. You only need to walk yourselves through the 3 laws. They will help to guide you towards acquiring it. With each law you are looking for a way to get an answer of yes to the question. If at any point you achieve a yes, then you need not proceed to the next law. You should then immediately go out and acquire your desired item using the method indicated by the law from which you garnered a yes.
Law I: Do I have enough cash on hand?
This law is so simple, yet too many people blow right past it too hastily. Remember not to get caught up in questions like, “What will happen in an emergency if I spend the money from the emergency fund?”, or “My husband will kill me if I take money out of the vacation fund without telling him.” Listen folks, you have to live for today. Emergencies, vacations and the like can be handled when they arrive, why worry about them right now? This law keeps you on track in this area and is very simple to follow. Check the accounts at your bank, the change jar at home, under the sofa cushions, the ashtray in the car, etc… Then just count up all the money you find, if the amount is greater than or equal to the price of your desired item, then you can answer Yes to Law I.
This second part of Law I is a bit more complicated, but well worth your time. The principle here is that many things that we accumulate over time can be converted into cash in a relatively short period of time. This includes things like retirement accounts (401(K)s, IRAs, Stocks, Bonds, and mutual fund holdings), Educational accounts, and Equity in your home. Who knows if you will live to retirement or not anyway? All you know is that there is something you want right now which you do not yet possess. The goal then is to take possession of it. Let’s not allow those nasty questions we mentioned earlier cause us to stumble. Turn those useless, non-pleasure generating items into cash and BUY! If you have any of these types of things, and can convert them to enough cash to acquire your desired item, then you can answer yes to Law I.
Law II: Can I borrow enough to pay for it?
This is in some ways similar to Law I, but in some ways it is much easier. This is getting someone else to pay for your purchase. Isn’t that incredible? What a wonderful country we live in that other people are willing to give us their money so that we can have the things we want right now, rather than waiting until we have earned enough cash by working for it. Hear me now people, and be very wary of this one. There are many Nay-Sayers out in the world today screaming about interest rates, borrowing against future income, and the opportunity cost of borrowing. Please follow these instructions carefully when anyone approaches you with such heresy: 1) Place you fingers in your ears 2) Yell as loud as you can over and over again, “I can’t hear you!” 3) Walk away. This should keep you out of trouble, and lead you into happiness. All you have to do then to answer yes to this Law is accept an offer. I know that sounds too easy, but it is true. Thousands of people in this wonderful, generous nation of ours are dying to give you THEIR money right now, all you have to do is say yes. You’ll get offers in the mail, fill them out and send them back. You’ll get offers via email, reply to them. You’ll get calls on the phone, by all means please say yes to those representatives to whatever they offer. And also remember to always check the box on all applications that says they can share your personal information with anyone they want, this will ensure you an endless supply of such offers for the rest of your life.
Law III: Can I make the government pay for it?
This last law is a product of the great strides our country has made towards becoming a socialist nation. We can be thankful that our elected and appointed representatives alike have been hard at work advancing the desires of the majority of Americans to convert from an inefficient and unfair system of capitalism, to a more loving and kind socialist system. We’re not there yet folks, so please keep voting for big gov and we’ll get there soon enough. Anyway, this third law is in some ways the most powerful of all 3 laws. This is because it has the potential of making other people pay for your stuff without you ever having to pay it back. Imagine the purchasing power if you can tap into the income of 300 million fat-cat, overstuffed, greedily rich, capitalist pig American taxpayers. Bring out the gravy honey, cuz the turkey is done. Listen, if you have debts that you incurred from your use of Law II, you should immediately file bankruptcy. I don’t care how much (or little) you owe, or even whether you have enough money to pay for it. If you can get other people to pay for your debts, you should. I don’t have the time or energy to list out all of the other money buffets that are out there. Just take a little time, contact state and federal agencies. Look around on the Internet. The time taken will be worth your while. See if there are any government programs you can qualify for. Who cares if you need it. If you CAN get it, you should. Even if you don’t qualify immediately, perhaps you can modify something about your life to qualify. For example if a certain program has an income cap, try working less hours, or even part-time. If you can sneak in just below the cap it may be worth your while. Finally, don’t forget that a fraudulent tax filing is a great way to get the government to send you some extra cash every spring.
The 3 laws help us to focus on what is important, and avoid a great deal of confusion. They come in the form of questions designed to help us navigate past treacherous pitfalls that could prevent us from achieving buyer’s bliss. These pitfalls are many and varied, but the most insidious come to us in the guise of honest questions such as: “Can I afford this?”, “Do I need it?”, “What is the opportunity cost of this purchase?”, or “Is there a better way to spend or invest this money?”. Don’t let these wolves in sheep’s clothing stand between you and purchased happiness. If you want it, that is enough. You only need to walk yourselves through the 3 laws. They will help to guide you towards acquiring it. With each law you are looking for a way to get an answer of yes to the question. If at any point you achieve a yes, then you need not proceed to the next law. You should then immediately go out and acquire your desired item using the method indicated by the law from which you garnered a yes.
Law I: Do I have enough cash on hand?
This law is so simple, yet too many people blow right past it too hastily. Remember not to get caught up in questions like, “What will happen in an emergency if I spend the money from the emergency fund?”, or “My husband will kill me if I take money out of the vacation fund without telling him.” Listen folks, you have to live for today. Emergencies, vacations and the like can be handled when they arrive, why worry about them right now? This law keeps you on track in this area and is very simple to follow. Check the accounts at your bank, the change jar at home, under the sofa cushions, the ashtray in the car, etc… Then just count up all the money you find, if the amount is greater than or equal to the price of your desired item, then you can answer Yes to Law I.
This second part of Law I is a bit more complicated, but well worth your time. The principle here is that many things that we accumulate over time can be converted into cash in a relatively short period of time. This includes things like retirement accounts (401(K)s, IRAs, Stocks, Bonds, and mutual fund holdings), Educational accounts, and Equity in your home. Who knows if you will live to retirement or not anyway? All you know is that there is something you want right now which you do not yet possess. The goal then is to take possession of it. Let’s not allow those nasty questions we mentioned earlier cause us to stumble. Turn those useless, non-pleasure generating items into cash and BUY! If you have any of these types of things, and can convert them to enough cash to acquire your desired item, then you can answer yes to Law I.
Law II: Can I borrow enough to pay for it?
This is in some ways similar to Law I, but in some ways it is much easier. This is getting someone else to pay for your purchase. Isn’t that incredible? What a wonderful country we live in that other people are willing to give us their money so that we can have the things we want right now, rather than waiting until we have earned enough cash by working for it. Hear me now people, and be very wary of this one. There are many Nay-Sayers out in the world today screaming about interest rates, borrowing against future income, and the opportunity cost of borrowing. Please follow these instructions carefully when anyone approaches you with such heresy: 1) Place you fingers in your ears 2) Yell as loud as you can over and over again, “I can’t hear you!” 3) Walk away. This should keep you out of trouble, and lead you into happiness. All you have to do then to answer yes to this Law is accept an offer. I know that sounds too easy, but it is true. Thousands of people in this wonderful, generous nation of ours are dying to give you THEIR money right now, all you have to do is say yes. You’ll get offers in the mail, fill them out and send them back. You’ll get offers via email, reply to them. You’ll get calls on the phone, by all means please say yes to those representatives to whatever they offer. And also remember to always check the box on all applications that says they can share your personal information with anyone they want, this will ensure you an endless supply of such offers for the rest of your life.
Law III: Can I make the government pay for it?
This last law is a product of the great strides our country has made towards becoming a socialist nation. We can be thankful that our elected and appointed representatives alike have been hard at work advancing the desires of the majority of Americans to convert from an inefficient and unfair system of capitalism, to a more loving and kind socialist system. We’re not there yet folks, so please keep voting for big gov and we’ll get there soon enough. Anyway, this third law is in some ways the most powerful of all 3 laws. This is because it has the potential of making other people pay for your stuff without you ever having to pay it back. Imagine the purchasing power if you can tap into the income of 300 million fat-cat, overstuffed, greedily rich, capitalist pig American taxpayers. Bring out the gravy honey, cuz the turkey is done. Listen, if you have debts that you incurred from your use of Law II, you should immediately file bankruptcy. I don’t care how much (or little) you owe, or even whether you have enough money to pay for it. If you can get other people to pay for your debts, you should. I don’t have the time or energy to list out all of the other money buffets that are out there. Just take a little time, contact state and federal agencies. Look around on the Internet. The time taken will be worth your while. See if there are any government programs you can qualify for. Who cares if you need it. If you CAN get it, you should. Even if you don’t qualify immediately, perhaps you can modify something about your life to qualify. For example if a certain program has an income cap, try working less hours, or even part-time. If you can sneak in just below the cap it may be worth your while. Finally, don’t forget that a fraudulent tax filing is a great way to get the government to send you some extra cash every spring.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Why did you do that?
The LA Fitness in downtown Bellevue is in a small galleria-style shopping center built on top of an underground parking garage. When I work out I have to take a ticket on the way into the parking lot and have it validated at the gym front desk when I scan my ID card. They have this little stamp machine that you insert the parking card into, push down on, and it stamps your parking ticket. A few days ago I spaced and did not stamp my parking ticket. On the way out of the garage I was in the unmanned lane where you just feed your stamped ticket into the machine and drive out. When I got to the machine and pulled my ticket out of my pocket I realized it had not been stamped. So I backed up my car (luckily no one was behind me) and got into the other lane where the attendant was working. Here is how that conversation went.
Him: What happened over there?
Me: When I got up to the machine I realized I had forgotten to stamp my ticket when I worked out at LA Fitness today.
Him: You are a member there?
Me: Yes. Normally I stamp my ticket at the front desk, but I forgot this time. Can you let me through anyway?
Him: You forgot to stamp your ticket?
Me: Yes.
Him: Why did you do that?
Me: (after a moment of stunned silence). I don't have an answer for that.
Him: What happened over there?
Me: When I got up to the machine I realized I had forgotten to stamp my ticket when I worked out at LA Fitness today.
Him: You are a member there?
Me: Yes. Normally I stamp my ticket at the front desk, but I forgot this time. Can you let me through anyway?
Him: You forgot to stamp your ticket?
Me: Yes.
Him: Why did you do that?
Me: (after a moment of stunned silence). I don't have an answer for that.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
1420B
A conversation with a rotating stair machine set to program "aerobic", lvl 14, 20 minutes, while holding a medicine ball. (referred to henceforth as 1420B).
1420B: Back again with that medicine ball, eh? Didn't I whoop your ass last time?
me: Pipe down, I just beat you on 30 minutes.
1420B: Sans ball, hero.
me: Whatever, it's still a W.
1420B: Depends on what word it begins.
me: Well, I'm going all the way today.
1420B: Only setting me for 20 minutes? Why not 30?
me: 20 minutes with the ball is harder than 30 without, so this is a step up.
1420B: mmm.
me: I'm feeling good. Two minutes in, nice pace. I've got this.
1420B: 3 minutes, nice. Just have to do that 5 more times.
1420B : 4 minutes in. Only have to do that 4 more times. Think you can do that?
1420B : 5 minutes in. You sure you can do what you just did 3 more times?
me: shut it.
1420B: Hey, what's that on the horizon? Is that another 7 dot bar? So soon? Oh, and look, he has a twin.
me:*grunt*
1420B: Uh oh. The ball is down. Hands are on the rails. Can he even finish?
me:...
1420B: What was that? You say something? Or was that just a desperate gasp for air?
me: well, at least I finished.
1420B: If that's what you want to call it.
me: I'll be back. You're going down.
1420B: Bring it punk. You know where to find me.
1420B: Back again with that medicine ball, eh? Didn't I whoop your ass last time?
me: Pipe down, I just beat you on 30 minutes.
1420B: Sans ball, hero.
me: Whatever, it's still a W.
1420B: Depends on what word it begins.
me: Well, I'm going all the way today.
1420B: Only setting me for 20 minutes? Why not 30?
me: 20 minutes with the ball is harder than 30 without, so this is a step up.
1420B: mmm.
me: I'm feeling good. Two minutes in, nice pace. I've got this.
1420B: 3 minutes, nice. Just have to do that 5 more times.
1420B : 4 minutes in. Only have to do that 4 more times. Think you can do that?
1420B : 5 minutes in. You sure you can do what you just did 3 more times?
me: shut it.
1420B: Hey, what's that on the horizon? Is that another 7 dot bar? So soon? Oh, and look, he has a twin.
me:*grunt*
1420B: Uh oh. The ball is down. Hands are on the rails. Can he even finish?
me:...
1420B: What was that? You say something? Or was that just a desperate gasp for air?
me: well, at least I finished.
1420B: If that's what you want to call it.
me: I'll be back. You're going down.
1420B: Bring it punk. You know where to find me.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
All because
A song that I have had on CD for a long time has recently made its way into my mind and stayed there to bother me. Maybe bother is the wrong word since it has such a negative connotation. It has caused me to reflect on the happiness, or lack thereof, I have had at various points in my life over the last twelve years. That is roughly the span of time between now and when I became a follower of the Way. During those intervening years I have had wondrous "mountain-top" experiences of the sweet fellowship with our Creator-God available to His adopted children. I have also experienced the dark, lonely valleys one strays into when they run out from his presence into the murky night of worldliness. The instant fix of perpetual perfection I had hoped for when calling upon His name did not come. Instead I found myself in the midst of a violent war. A war which had actually been raging all along, I simply lacked the eyes to see it. Moreover, this war which previously had staged its battles beyond the borders of my being began to skirmish in my very heart. And now I daily struggle with the temptations of this world and the allure of sin to my still-not-yet-perfect heart. God did something though. He reached in and crushed a part of my being. A dark part. A seed of rebellion and of delight in sin. The part of me that had previously been able to break the law with abandon and revel in its pleasures. That part of me is gone now, irrevocably. Therefore, though I may and often do still sin its attendant pleasures have abandoned me. In their place I find only sorrow, heartache, and separation from my heart's true joy. It is this change, this breaking, this destruction of my God-hating, sin-loving heart, that has left me no choice in the matter. Though I may live in sin for even long periods of time, my heart finds no rest there. No peace. No contentment. He has ruined me to its touch. And so, in one graceful, powerful stroke he long ago won the war which rages still in my being.
And that is what these simple words from the Tree 63 song "All Because" reminded me of recently.
They tell me to abandon you
To make my dreams come true
So what am i supposed to do
If I only dream of you?
You covered up my sin
You covered up my silence
You covered up my shame
Made me new again
And that is what these simple words from the Tree 63 song "All Because" reminded me of recently.
They tell me to abandon you
To make my dreams come true
So what am i supposed to do
If I only dream of you?
You covered up my sin
You covered up my silence
You covered up my shame
Made me new again
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
More fun times at the Dee Arr
"You will feel some cold and some pressure." A true, but insufficient warning. Let me come back to that. I want to go back two years to the previous record holder for most unpleasant maneuver performed on my body by a stranger. I pulled a groin muscle working out and went to the doctor to have myself checked for possible herniation. Prior to that examination my only exposure to hernia inquiry had been the perfunctory "turn & cough" ball cradling from high school sports. This doctor stepped it up a notch or ten, however, by actually finding a way to have his fingers enter my body through my groin. Before this rather unpleasant intrusion I was not even aware that the male anatomy provided such an ingress. I am fairly certain that in addition to determining that I had only strained and not herniated those muscles he also checked both of my kidneys through the same avenue for good measure. That event had been, until today, the single most unpleasant experience involving a doctor, or anyone for that matter, handling my body.
Today that record was broken. No, smashed. At the end of a long and rather pleasant physical examination my doctor asked me to lay on my left side and bring my knees to my chest. With my gown untied at the back by this point this left the rear end of my person clearly exposed for his next move. "You will feel some cold and some pressure", he said before entering. This was, I feel in retrospect, an inappropriately terse warning. I'm a big fan of brevity and so it packs an extra wallop when I say that a clear case could be made here for a bit more verbosity. Here is my proposal for a slightly longer, but immensely more helpful, preface: "You will feel some cold and some pressure. You will also feel a strong and seemingly irresistible urge to shit on my hand. I say seemingly because it can and should, in fact, be resisted."
Today that record was broken. No, smashed. At the end of a long and rather pleasant physical examination my doctor asked me to lay on my left side and bring my knees to my chest. With my gown untied at the back by this point this left the rear end of my person clearly exposed for his next move. "You will feel some cold and some pressure", he said before entering. This was, I feel in retrospect, an inappropriately terse warning. I'm a big fan of brevity and so it packs an extra wallop when I say that a clear case could be made here for a bit more verbosity. Here is my proposal for a slightly longer, but immensely more helpful, preface: "You will feel some cold and some pressure. You will also feel a strong and seemingly irresistible urge to shit on my hand. I say seemingly because it can and should, in fact, be resisted."
Thursday, March 13, 2008
subcutaneous testicular paresthesia
I have no idea what those words mean. However, this morning I had the first part of my two-part physical at my doctor's office. Why am I having a physical done? I was in the doctor's office last month for some pain in my head and neck. (The pain was caused by bruising near a nerve cluster at the base of my skull. The bruising was caused by a massage that went too deep. There is a lesson here if you are not sure how deep a massage should be in order to be effective, and you don't know whether to tell her to back off or not. If you feel tears well up in your eyes, have trouble breathing calmly, and are right on the verge of crying out to God for mercy you should probably ask her to back off.) When I was in for that visit he mentioned that even though I am only 33 and seem quite healthy it would be a good idea to have a physical done since I have never had one before. I thought about it over the next couple of weeks and decided "why the hell not." So, I was in the office this morning and I had to do two things: 1) give blood 2) make water in a cup. I had been given instruction about fasting starting at midnight the night before, but I had not been instructed that there would be a urine sample. In fact, I had been told to drink "a little bit of water". Thinking that this was part of the fasting I had, in fact, restricted my water intake to below normal levels this morning. (I usually drink at least a pint of water first thing in the morning.) And there I was in the doctor's office with the nurse giving me instructions on how she was going to stab me and then have me go fill a cup, when I realized I was not going to be able to comply with her kind request. "I'm fairly certain I can't do what you are asking", I replied. She gave me a puzzled look, but made no reply. I'm sure she has no idea what I've just said, so I clarify. "I was not instructed to drink water this morning and am quite sure I can't fill that cup right now." With a very disappointed tone, "you should have been told to drink excess amounts of water for this urine sample. Did you not know about the urine sample?" In retrospect I wish I had a line ready like, "Yes, I did know about it but I thought it would be a laugh riot to show up here with an empty bladder anyway." I didn't though so I said something matter of fact like, "no". "Well, we'll get you some water and you can sit in the waiting room until you are able to do it." (Does this sounds a little bit like a naughty kid being put in time out? "You are going to sit in time out until you make your pee pee young man".)
Next it is time for my blood to be drawn. I don't have a huge aversion to needles, but I don't much like them either. I've had friends and family members who I have seen go pale and even pass out when having their blood drawn. My reaction is not nearly that severe. Mine is more subtle. It is a secret little reaction all my own. You know that feeling you might get when going over the crest of a hill in a fast car, or on a roller coaster when the bottom drops out? Well, that's not it. But it is similar to that. There is a bit of tightness in the gut and maybe some tingle in the nuts. That is not really where the sensation is, but your brain sort of makes it seem that way. Anyway, sometimes when I get stuck with needles I have this tight and almost tingly feeling in my bowels, and part of the feeling seems like it is emanating from inside my balls. Yup, I'm a freak. Which is why I wish I had said at the time she stabbed me, "Excuse me, but I believe I am experiencing a subcutaneous testicular paresthesia".
Next it is time for my blood to be drawn. I don't have a huge aversion to needles, but I don't much like them either. I've had friends and family members who I have seen go pale and even pass out when having their blood drawn. My reaction is not nearly that severe. Mine is more subtle. It is a secret little reaction all my own. You know that feeling you might get when going over the crest of a hill in a fast car, or on a roller coaster when the bottom drops out? Well, that's not it. But it is similar to that. There is a bit of tightness in the gut and maybe some tingle in the nuts. That is not really where the sensation is, but your brain sort of makes it seem that way. Anyway, sometimes when I get stuck with needles I have this tight and almost tingly feeling in my bowels, and part of the feeling seems like it is emanating from inside my balls. Yup, I'm a freak. Which is why I wish I had said at the time she stabbed me, "Excuse me, but I believe I am experiencing a subcutaneous testicular paresthesia".
Monday, March 10, 2008
Snip Doggy Dogg
SPRINGFIELD, Oregon (AP) -- For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball's March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy? Need an excuse to say home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy. "When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city." Institute Administrator Terry FitzPatrick said men need two to four days to recover from the procedure -- but not all take the time.He's reserved a dozen appointment slots for March 19, the day before the first tipoffs of the NCAA Tournament, and another dozen for March 26, before the tournament's second week.He reported filling 15 slots by Thursday afternoon and expects to fill all 24. The sports radio station broadcasting the clinic's ads promises to send each patient a recovery kit of sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas. Peas? "The frozen peas are malleable enough that you can get them right in there and get the swelling down," FitzPatrick said.
My homey "E-moneyhoes" dropped some rhyme bombs on those hos (with some minor edits from me):
Lay me up some frozen peas
Dunk them on these sore N. U. Tees
I Jis had a vasec-tomee
So you don’t get no K. I. Dees
while I watch my boys shoot some 3s
My homey "E-moneyhoes" dropped some rhyme bombs on those hos (with some minor edits from me):
Lay me up some frozen peas
Dunk them on these sore N. U. Tees
I Jis had a vasec-tomee
So you don’t get no K. I. Dees
while I watch my boys shoot some 3s
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Graphing Physical Exertion
Last week I did 30 minutes on the rotating stair machine at level 10 while holding an 8 pound medicine ball. At certain intervals (when the bars were more than 5) I would hold the ball above my head, the rest of the time I held it near my stomach. At the end of that workout I was sweating really profusely and felt like I had had a great workout, but that I had some juice left. This week I thought I would crank it up by going to level 14 and using a 10 pound medicine ball for 20 minutes. This seemed reasonable to me at the time. The problem was that I had made a fatal assumption that the exertion required to complete the exercise was a linear factor of the speed, weight, and time variables I had adjusted. In other words y=x. The actual equation is graphed here for clarity:
Friday, March 7, 2008
Inadvertant Insults and their Impact on Casual European Swimmers
This morning at 7:40 am I met my friend Amal at the LA Fitness in downtown Bellevue. At lunch last week Amal told me that as a result of a recent physical examination (that indicated high blood sugar levels and other negative items) he was increasing his consistency of exercise. Part of his new regimen is swimming, but he told me that he really has no experience with swimming and was finding it quite difficult to complete six laps. I offered to coach him a little bit and this led to the Friday rendezvous.
The pool at LA Fitness has three roped lanes for lap swimming. Amal and I had the near side lane to ourselves. The middle lane had one woman in it and the far lane had one man in it. Amal and I began by having me watch him swim one lap, then moving on to some basic balance drills and kicking drills. During the course of this introductory lesson the woman in the next lane had been watching us most of the time, but had remained silent. As we were nearing the end of the lesson I was giving Amal instruction about not attempting the front crawl (freestyle) until he had mastered some other basic concepts. This is because he has an aversion to swimming with his head under water, which is required for proper freestyle form. To give him an outlet for exercise in the mean time while he works on his drills for the next week I wanted to show him the beginner version of the breast stroke. This is the version used by many beginners and recreational swimmers where the head is above water the entire time. This is how I introduced the idea to him.
me: I can tell that you have an aversion to swimming with your head under water. This is a completely natural reaction that many beginning swimmers have and is not a big deal. Your body wants to breath and when it can't breath in and out whenever it wants this can be unsettling at first. So, I want to show you a technique where you can swim with your head above water the whole time to give you something you can exercise with until we build enough foundation where you can do the front crawl. But, I just want you to know that what I am about to show you is NOT the correct form for the breast stroke.
(at this point the woman in the next lane, who I had not even noticed was swimming nearby in the next lane says)
woman: That's not the correct way huh?
me: No. I'd call it the beginner head out of the water way.
woman: Well, that is how we always did it in Europe.
(I am completely dumbstruck by her statement at this point. Without saying anything I turn back to Amal and continue the demonstration of the technique.)
Later on I puzzled over this exchange and realized what had happened. This woman had been swimming in the next lane the entire time using what I had called the "beginner head out of the water" breaststroke. Since I had not been paying any attention to her at all I only interpreted her question in the context of my work with Amal and therefore gave her a direct and honest answer appropriate for that context. Unfortunately, I had not realized that I had probably just inadvertently insulted her since she had been swimming that way the entire time. Here is the really interesting part, what does her Europe retort even mean? She was a middle-aged white woman with no discernible accent. This means she did not grow up anywhere in Europe. Did she visit there? Vacation there? Live there for a few years? While there did she participate in an active swimming regimen where they conformed to the European version of the breaststroke? Are Europeans dead set on swimming the breaststroke in an incredibly inefficient manner? (This is rhetorical. Europeans, and everyone else for that matter, know proper breaststroke form). Or is this one of those vague references to Europe that some middle/upper-middle/upper class white people make in an attempt to trump whatever had just been said because as everyone knows Europe is the center for all intellectual, cultural, and physical perfection?
As an interesting finale to the whole strange saga I also showed Amal the side stroke as a second "head above water" way to just get down the lane a few times. A few minutes later I looked up to see the woman in the middle lane trying to do a side stroke and doing it very poorly. When she saw that I saw her doing it she immediately stopped.
The pool at LA Fitness has three roped lanes for lap swimming. Amal and I had the near side lane to ourselves. The middle lane had one woman in it and the far lane had one man in it. Amal and I began by having me watch him swim one lap, then moving on to some basic balance drills and kicking drills. During the course of this introductory lesson the woman in the next lane had been watching us most of the time, but had remained silent. As we were nearing the end of the lesson I was giving Amal instruction about not attempting the front crawl (freestyle) until he had mastered some other basic concepts. This is because he has an aversion to swimming with his head under water, which is required for proper freestyle form. To give him an outlet for exercise in the mean time while he works on his drills for the next week I wanted to show him the beginner version of the breast stroke. This is the version used by many beginners and recreational swimmers where the head is above water the entire time. This is how I introduced the idea to him.
me: I can tell that you have an aversion to swimming with your head under water. This is a completely natural reaction that many beginning swimmers have and is not a big deal. Your body wants to breath and when it can't breath in and out whenever it wants this can be unsettling at first. So, I want to show you a technique where you can swim with your head above water the whole time to give you something you can exercise with until we build enough foundation where you can do the front crawl. But, I just want you to know that what I am about to show you is NOT the correct form for the breast stroke.
(at this point the woman in the next lane, who I had not even noticed was swimming nearby in the next lane says)
woman: That's not the correct way huh?
me: No. I'd call it the beginner head out of the water way.
woman: Well, that is how we always did it in Europe.
(I am completely dumbstruck by her statement at this point. Without saying anything I turn back to Amal and continue the demonstration of the technique.)
Later on I puzzled over this exchange and realized what had happened. This woman had been swimming in the next lane the entire time using what I had called the "beginner head out of the water" breaststroke. Since I had not been paying any attention to her at all I only interpreted her question in the context of my work with Amal and therefore gave her a direct and honest answer appropriate for that context. Unfortunately, I had not realized that I had probably just inadvertently insulted her since she had been swimming that way the entire time. Here is the really interesting part, what does her Europe retort even mean? She was a middle-aged white woman with no discernible accent. This means she did not grow up anywhere in Europe. Did she visit there? Vacation there? Live there for a few years? While there did she participate in an active swimming regimen where they conformed to the European version of the breaststroke? Are Europeans dead set on swimming the breaststroke in an incredibly inefficient manner? (This is rhetorical. Europeans, and everyone else for that matter, know proper breaststroke form). Or is this one of those vague references to Europe that some middle/upper-middle/upper class white people make in an attempt to trump whatever had just been said because as everyone knows Europe is the center for all intellectual, cultural, and physical perfection?
As an interesting finale to the whole strange saga I also showed Amal the side stroke as a second "head above water" way to just get down the lane a few times. A few minutes later I looked up to see the woman in the middle lane trying to do a side stroke and doing it very poorly. When she saw that I saw her doing it she immediately stopped.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Technology is "The Awesome"
This afternoon I took my laptop with me to the bathroom. It was 1:55 and I had a 2:00 meeting to go to, but I knew I needed to crap before the meeting or I wasn't going to be able to think straight. I sat down in the stall, wiped the seat, applied to toilet condom and sat down with my laptop right where it was made to go: in my lap. And there, from the comfort of the semi-public restroom using the corporate wireless network I was able to check my gmail. In my gmail account I found an email from emiles saying I had new opportunities to gain minuscule amounts of frequent flier miles by subjecting myself to some new adds. Of course I immediately complied and earned 10 free miles by clicking through about 5 pages of ad crap. All this occurred while actually taking a crap to add a nice sense of harmony to the experience. I then typed up this blog entry, also while pooping. Time to head to the meeting. Cya.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A moment of insight
In a flash of insight this morning Melinda declared that the happy, playful, energetic version of me makes for far more enjoyable company than the tired, grumpy, mean, rude version of me. The local news outlets have all been notified. There is some initial reaction from them that I should be ready for national and international outlets to be contacting me soon about this development.
Sick and Tired
I'm so sick and tired of all the left-leaning weenies who infest this city, this state, my place of work, the airwaves, the media, etc... I'm tired of their bumper stickers about Bush, about the war, about creation since, about so-called choice. I'm sick of their snide comments in meetings, at cocktail parties, and around the water cooler about things such as: Christians are fundamental boneheads, creation science is unscientific ninnery, Bush is an illiterate liar, carbon footprints, global warming, education, the environment, whatever. Oh yeah, and here are some winners that are either outright topics or subtle underpinnings of all the others: there is no objective truth, morality (and truth) is relative. I'm so sick of the mindless, safety in numbers, follow the crowd, regurgitate what my news team told me to think, baa baa I'm a sheep way that people agree with this crap when it comes spewing out of someones mouth in the average group of yo-yos these days. "oh yeah". "right on man". "hahaha, so true".
No. BS. Untrue. NO NO NO. You pompous, arrogant weenies. Truth is on your side? Science is on your side? WRONG. You are sitting on a giant dung heap of rotten, false presuppositions. The gargantuan task of showing you this, is so daunting that the mere thought of it has drained all of my strength and hope and left me only with the ability to scribble out this useless and pathetic little blog entry. I used to be more energetic. I used to have fire and passion to debate and convince. Now I just feel that the whole effort is one big tiring exercise in futility. Who listens anyway? Is anyone really interested in the truth? How can you be when you don't even believe truth exists? So here I am. Frustrated. Angry. And sick of listening to your inane babble.
So, if you don't mind, actually even if you do, please take your useless God-hating noise elsewhere. Preferably somewhere private and secluded. Maybe one of your nice little meetings where you murder babies and hug trees.
No. BS. Untrue. NO NO NO. You pompous, arrogant weenies. Truth is on your side? Science is on your side? WRONG. You are sitting on a giant dung heap of rotten, false presuppositions. The gargantuan task of showing you this, is so daunting that the mere thought of it has drained all of my strength and hope and left me only with the ability to scribble out this useless and pathetic little blog entry. I used to be more energetic. I used to have fire and passion to debate and convince. Now I just feel that the whole effort is one big tiring exercise in futility. Who listens anyway? Is anyone really interested in the truth? How can you be when you don't even believe truth exists? So here I am. Frustrated. Angry. And sick of listening to your inane babble.
So, if you don't mind, actually even if you do, please take your useless God-hating noise elsewhere. Preferably somewhere private and secluded. Maybe one of your nice little meetings where you murder babies and hug trees.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Olympus WS-110 Digital Voice Recorder
I recently bought an "Olympus WS-110 Digital Voice Recorder" and I now take it with me everywhere. In the car for the daily commute, on hikes, everywhere. All those times when I would have an idea or want to jot down a reminder and could not easily do so are a thing of the past. It is really tiny and weighs only 1.7 ounces with the battery in it. Simply put, it is "The Awesome".
Here is a transcription (with very minor edits) of the voice recordings taken by my new lovely on a hike of Mt. Si on Saturday March 12, 2008. There are 18 entries from that hike.
1. Arriving at the Mt. Si parking lot, according to my cell phone, at 10:13 am. Elevation according to my altimeter 500 ft.
2. First quick break at mile mark 0.5. The sign says elevation here is 1120. Altimeter showing 800, so I am off by 300 ft. Adjusting now.
3. Second break 10:57. Sign: elevation 1940, mile 1.5.
4. Also, altimeter accurate at this sign.
5. At about 2400 ft the light drizzle that had been coming on and off the whole way turned to sleet and then hail. About 2500 ft started seeing patches of snow on the ground off trail. Now I am at mile marker 2.5, elevation 2760, time 11:26.
6. Bexar has been exceptionally good today. Very mindful, staying close by, very good with lots of people passing by.
7. At about 2900 ft there is snow in the path, but it is still boot hikeable. It is well packed down, not very slippery. Yaktraks might be nice, but I'm not putting mine on.
8. Revise that last, I am indeed putting my YakTracks on.
9. When I stopped to put my YakTracks on I am fairly certain I stopped at the worst place and at the worst time imaginable. It was a very narrow spot in the trail and off to the right was a pretty steep incline with trees and brush and snow. Luckily, at least there was a little stick there I could hook the end of Bexar's leash to. I took off my pack. Dig for my Yaktraks to get them out. Close my pack up. In the meantime people start going by. So I am holding my pack, pulling Bexar to the side and making him sit, and pulling on my Yaktraks. I am putting on my Yaktraks, standing on one foot, holding Bexar, people are going by and of course as I am trying to do this balancing act my butt bumps my pack and sends it sliding down the slope about 20 ft. Luckily, it hit some brush and stopped right after a patch of snow. So, after this long ordeal of putting on these Yaktraks, which are a pain in the ass to get on these boots, I have to climb down the hill to get my pack. Bexar tries to come with me while he is tied to the stake. I don't want him to choke himself so I make him "stay". I get my pack, climb back up, giant nightmare.
10. 12:05, mile marker 3.5, elevation 3620.
11. Just a little while ago the Yaktrack on my left boot came off, it was a pain the ass to put back on. I'm not liking these things.
12. It's 12:33. I'm at the top I think. Bunch of rock outcroppings around here. I'm not sure I'm at the very top, but I don't see a clear way to get there. Anyway, this is pretty good. Looks like from here, if it was clear, I could see forever. But, it's not. It's totally foggy and snowing, so I can't see diddly. Maybe 200-300 ft visibility. Very foggy. It is not snowing hard, just kind of constant light, small flakes. Got my pad out which is actually very warm on these rocks. Got Bexar's water out. Hes been eating snow like crazy so I figured he might be thirsty. I'm having a snack.
13. Time is 1:08, I've been descending for just a little while in the snow. Bexar is totally pissing me off and trying to make me fall. My knees are a little bit sore. My fingertips are little bit cold. I put on my rain jacket. All of my gloves: liner, inner glove, rain shell. Fleece jacket, undershirt, rain shell, head cover, fleece hat. Same pants, not putting on my rain shell pants. Starting to warm up now as I am going down. My fingers are not cold anymore. My Yaktrak on the left foot came off again.
14. (this entry is some poetry crap you don't want to hear, except what happened while I was making that note) *CRUNCH* Ouch! I just fell. That hurt.
15. I think I forgot to make a note about Bexar's poo. We were most of the way up. We were an area that was completely snow covered on the trail and the sides. It was hard packed snow with a crusty outer layer. Lots of people coming by, this trail is way too freaking crowded for me. Thank goodness we pulled off to the side, because right was we did that Bexar unleashed a fountain of liquid poo that was really gross and explosive. It was hot so it right into the top layer of snow and ice. He spread it out over about 2 feet of ground. So, here I am with other people going by. It stinks bad enough that some guys make are joking about it as they go by. All these people see this so I at least have to make some kind of show about cleaning it up. I scooped it up with a blue bag and buried that in a pit of snow. No one saw me do that part. I covered up the 2 ft of smeared, melted, poo-stained snow with more snow.
16. It's 2:50. I'm back to the truck in the parking lot.
Here is a transcription (with very minor edits) of the voice recordings taken by my new lovely on a hike of Mt. Si on Saturday March 12, 2008. There are 18 entries from that hike.
1. Arriving at the Mt. Si parking lot, according to my cell phone, at 10:13 am. Elevation according to my altimeter 500 ft.
2. First quick break at mile mark 0.5. The sign says elevation here is 1120. Altimeter showing 800, so I am off by 300 ft. Adjusting now.
3. Second break 10:57. Sign: elevation 1940, mile 1.5.
4. Also, altimeter accurate at this sign.
5. At about 2400 ft the light drizzle that had been coming on and off the whole way turned to sleet and then hail. About 2500 ft started seeing patches of snow on the ground off trail. Now I am at mile marker 2.5, elevation 2760, time 11:26.
6. Bexar has been exceptionally good today. Very mindful, staying close by, very good with lots of people passing by.
7. At about 2900 ft there is snow in the path, but it is still boot hikeable. It is well packed down, not very slippery. Yaktraks might be nice, but I'm not putting mine on.
8. Revise that last, I am indeed putting my YakTracks on.
9. When I stopped to put my YakTracks on I am fairly certain I stopped at the worst place and at the worst time imaginable. It was a very narrow spot in the trail and off to the right was a pretty steep incline with trees and brush and snow. Luckily, at least there was a little stick there I could hook the end of Bexar's leash to. I took off my pack. Dig for my Yaktraks to get them out. Close my pack up. In the meantime people start going by. So I am holding my pack, pulling Bexar to the side and making him sit, and pulling on my Yaktraks. I am putting on my Yaktraks, standing on one foot, holding Bexar, people are going by and of course as I am trying to do this balancing act my butt bumps my pack and sends it sliding down the slope about 20 ft. Luckily, it hit some brush and stopped right after a patch of snow. So, after this long ordeal of putting on these Yaktraks, which are a pain in the ass to get on these boots, I have to climb down the hill to get my pack. Bexar tries to come with me while he is tied to the stake. I don't want him to choke himself so I make him "stay". I get my pack, climb back up, giant nightmare.
10. 12:05, mile marker 3.5, elevation 3620.
11. Just a little while ago the Yaktrack on my left boot came off, it was a pain the ass to put back on. I'm not liking these things.
12. It's 12:33. I'm at the top I think. Bunch of rock outcroppings around here. I'm not sure I'm at the very top, but I don't see a clear way to get there. Anyway, this is pretty good. Looks like from here, if it was clear, I could see forever. But, it's not. It's totally foggy and snowing, so I can't see diddly. Maybe 200-300 ft visibility. Very foggy. It is not snowing hard, just kind of constant light, small flakes. Got my pad out which is actually very warm on these rocks. Got Bexar's water out. Hes been eating snow like crazy so I figured he might be thirsty. I'm having a snack.
13. Time is 1:08, I've been descending for just a little while in the snow. Bexar is totally pissing me off and trying to make me fall. My knees are a little bit sore. My fingertips are little bit cold. I put on my rain jacket. All of my gloves: liner, inner glove, rain shell. Fleece jacket, undershirt, rain shell, head cover, fleece hat. Same pants, not putting on my rain shell pants. Starting to warm up now as I am going down. My fingers are not cold anymore. My Yaktrak on the left foot came off again.
14. (this entry is some poetry crap you don't want to hear, except what happened while I was making that note) *CRUNCH* Ouch! I just fell. That hurt.
15. I think I forgot to make a note about Bexar's poo. We were most of the way up. We were an area that was completely snow covered on the trail and the sides. It was hard packed snow with a crusty outer layer. Lots of people coming by, this trail is way too freaking crowded for me. Thank goodness we pulled off to the side, because right was we did that Bexar unleashed a fountain of liquid poo that was really gross and explosive. It was hot so it right into the top layer of snow and ice. He spread it out over about 2 feet of ground. So, here I am with other people going by. It stinks bad enough that some guys make are joking about it as they go by. All these people see this so I at least have to make some kind of show about cleaning it up. I scooped it up with a blue bag and buried that in a pit of snow. No one saw me do that part. I covered up the 2 ft of smeared, melted, poo-stained snow with more snow.
16. It's 2:50. I'm back to the truck in the parking lot.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Nose Woes
I'm officially not a "young adult" anymore. Melinda told me so today. Also, my body has been trying to tell me this for about the last year or so. Not in the creaky, groaning, "I'm old" sort of way. Not that, not yet. I didn't say I'm officially old. That is still some ways off. But it is clear that I am not a young adult. One of the clearest signs of this is on the new things I must add to my personal hygiene regimen. Primarily I am speaking here of the removal of unwanted hair. This may be either the complete removal of all hair from places that it ought not be or the beating back of sections of hair that have overstepped their boundaries. Until recently this has consisted primarily of the removal of unsightly little dark hairs that have started cropping up on the outside edges of my ears. The removal of these is no big deal and really not all that painful. It is an annoying task, but one I can deal with. Next was the one or two mutant eyebrow hairs that started growing much longer than their legal length. Since there is no real way to trim these troublesome giants they must simply be plucked. This is slightly more painful than the ear hair, but still nothing to blog about.
Then came the nose hair excursions. It started several months ago. Or at least that is when I started noticing them. One or two nose hairs would just start hanging out or down far beyond the bounds of decency. As this kind of flagrant rebellion cannot be tolerated I quickly seized my tweezers and began to remove them root and all. That is when I discovered that the roots of nose hairs are not only attached to the flesh of the inside of your nose, but they are also anchored into a central nerve cluster located at the center of your brain. This means that the forced removal of one of these wayward dirt catchers will result in blinding pain, welling tears, a running nose and sometimes sneezing. Can I just give a big "WTF!?" at this point? I mean what is the big deal about the removal of one little nose hair that necessitates all these alarms sounding? Does the body really need that much protection for those little suckers? I really hate to question the designer of this things since I know that He is wise and powerful beyond even my wildest imaginations. But still, I have to ask, is that wiring really necessary?
Then came the nose hair excursions. It started several months ago. Or at least that is when I started noticing them. One or two nose hairs would just start hanging out or down far beyond the bounds of decency. As this kind of flagrant rebellion cannot be tolerated I quickly seized my tweezers and began to remove them root and all. That is when I discovered that the roots of nose hairs are not only attached to the flesh of the inside of your nose, but they are also anchored into a central nerve cluster located at the center of your brain. This means that the forced removal of one of these wayward dirt catchers will result in blinding pain, welling tears, a running nose and sometimes sneezing. Can I just give a big "WTF!?" at this point? I mean what is the big deal about the removal of one little nose hair that necessitates all these alarms sounding? Does the body really need that much protection for those little suckers? I really hate to question the designer of this things since I know that He is wise and powerful beyond even my wildest imaginations. But still, I have to ask, is that wiring really necessary?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Superfluous Punctuation
Emails. Instant Messaging. Cell Phone Texting. These wonderful new additions to our modern lives add a very nice level of convenience that I truly enjoy. I particularly like the fact that I can communicate easily, cheaply and nearly instantaneously with family and friends hundreds of miles away using these devices. However, as much as I love the convenience of these mediums I really hate what has happened to the clarity of communications as we have gotten used to these devices. We use fragmented sentences, poor grammar, atrocious spelling and a host of other evils and write them off as "typos" or "from my phone" or "I was in a rush". Much more could be said on this topic of the sad state of writing in these mediums in general, but not today. Today I want to rant about a particularly vile manifestation of "internetese", the superfluous use of punctation.
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Ever get an email/text/IM fragment that looked something like this?
"Hey!!!!! What you doing??????????????????"
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
I have. Damnit, and far too many times. Far, far too many times. And I am sick and tired of it. Some of the offenders have been reprimanded. Unfortunately those sharp verbal rebukes have had little to no effect on behavior. *SIGH*. Therefore, I will vent my frustration in this blog post and rail against my nameless foe upon the "Interweb".
Let me just start off by saying that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for using more than one punctuation mark at the end of any single sentence. No. Just stop right there. Don't even waste time trying to think of scenarios, situations, and exceptions. THERE ARE NONE. End of story. Now, having said that, how is the writer to convey their tone and level of excitement/agitation without the now outlawed extra punctuation? I'm glad you asked. There are a number of tools in the modern writer's toolbox for expressing such things. Let's start with an example sentence and see how we might fix it up.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" - all bad
1. The judicious use of capitalization. One must be careful here for fear of falling into another bad practice, that of yelling at your intended audience inappropriately. It is a widely accepted convention in internet text communications that capitalization means a raised voice or yelling.
For example:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own WANKER?" - acceptable
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY JUST ATE HIS OWN WANKER?" - passable, but to be avoided and only used when you really mean to scream at the audience.
2. The proper use of cuss words. A simple way to raise the tone of any sentence from flat to high is just to cuss at the audience. Watch:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?" - acceptable
3. A variation of 2 is to pseudo-cuss. Use this technique if you are a sally, jessy, ninny, panty-waste, or a wanker.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own frigging wanker?" - acceptable, but lame
4. Italics, bolding, font size and other text formatting. Simple, elegant, and most notably not the useless repetition of a punctuation mark.
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own wanker?" - acceptable
5. The "Interrobang". Caution: this may appear at first to be a violation of the single punctuation mark rule. It is not. It is a single punctation mark formed with two characters. It is a new punctation mark created for the internet age. It is extremely powerful and the only acceptable way one may place more than one punctuation character at the end of a sentence. Regard the beauty of it:
"Can you believe that guy just ate his own fucking wanker?!" - HAWT
Monday, February 4, 2008
To My Great God
To my great God who sees everything, including this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
If I were to witness the birth of a glacier; year after year of driven snow gathered and crushed into a sea of ice. If I were to watch as the seasons of its life passed from winter's frigid feasts of flurries to spring's bursting streams crying out in agony at the sun's mean gaze. If I were to see every inch it crawled and scratched across the surface of the earth. I would need to borrow the lives and eyes of a hundred men; for no human life can cover the breadth of such expanses of time. Yet for you, O God, the life of a glacier is like a day. It's entire life a speck of foam on a rushing river of time that is quickly passed and out of sight.
I cannot take the full measure of a mountain. I may mark its height in meters from the sea. I may count the distance to circle its base. I may even climb to its peak and feel its soundness with my hands and feet. But I cannot sound its solid depths. I cannot tell the contents of its every rock and vein. I do not know the number of the trees that stake their claim there. I cannot tell the rock-splitting plans of their roots. But you know, O God. You know the schedule of the storms that smash upon its heights and carry its glory one grain at a time back to the sea from whence you bade it rise long ago.
I praise you God that you are so unlike me, so other, so beyond, so holy. I praise you Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Beginning and End, Ancient of Days. The One who knows and sees everything, even this.
Friday, February 1, 2008
REI
Readily Eating Income. That is the new phrase behind the acronym. Take a look at how an innocent little shop turned into a wallet cracker.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
Start with a nice 2 ounce sanitation trowel that will be a handy weight saver for PCT2:ROTLBA, $1.95. Nice value! Next I need to get Melinda an ice-axe, $54.93. Reasonably priced and a must have for our snowshoe ascent of Mt. St. Helens we are planning in March. Likewise are two ice-axe leashes, $15.95 each. Again a reasonable price. Also needed for the Helens trip is a snow shovel, $49.95. Hmm, seems that should have been cheaper, but I have to have it. Melinda needs waterproof and warm gloves for the rain/snow conditions that are frequent in the Cascades, $44.93. These are slightly more than the Marmot ones I bought for myself a couple months back, but I actually think they are better gloves (wish I had bought these). My Marmot gloves are not heavily enough insulated for back country snowshoeing so I buy a glove liner, $10.00. I decide to get one for Melinda too just in case, $10.00. We need snow stakes for the tent for snow camping, 8 x $1.75. 50 Feet of 3mm accessory rope to be used as a bear-bag rope for PCT2 and other hikes, $9.00.
Ok, so all of that felt fine as it was going into my nice little REI carrier and toting it around the store. I knew I was spending a few bucks, but it seemed reasonable. Then I hit the cash register and they drop this bomb: $246.89. WTF!? Shit sneaks up on you.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
310
Why do you lie to me? Why do you whisper and tempt all afternoon with promises of gentle vanilla caresses and cold, creamy goodness? Why do you claw at the edges of my mind as I strain to concentrate on work? Why do you talk of how it won't be that big of a deal, and that it will be well worth it? Why, when you know that you have no intention of delivering on your promises? When you knew from the beginning that your eating is a mere shadow of your having? How could you betray me so deeply? Like the cutting of 310 tiny knives into my heart. Even with a whip abstention you are still going to cost me about 30 minutes of stairs on level 10. My lungs are aching just thinking about it now. No, you dirty, lying, thieving, dark, festering, evil cafe vanilla frappuccino you were not worth it. I hope I poop most of you out.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Nuanced Beauty of Coke
For a simple combination of sugar and carbonated water Coke really is a remarkable beverage. Take for instance its ability to take on subtle differences in taste based on the way it is stored.
1. Can
2. Bottle
3. Sack-o-Syrup (for taps. Can be great if the mix is right)
Canned coke imbibed directly from the can is probably the worst Coke experience one can have. It should be avoided at all costs and is generally the result of laziness, haste, or a summer outing lacking in proper resources. The only potentially worse way to enjoy a Coke is from a badly mixed tap. Bottled coke and tap coke can be on par with each other with some caveats. Bottled coke is more consistent so you take on less risk of a taste infringement. On the other hand a tap coke is more likely to be served over ice, which is a huge taste enhancer. To put them on equal footing would require serving the tap coke without ice, which is highly discouraged. So, really one has to concede this battle to the bottle. Moving on to formula.
Coke, as perfect and reliable as it has been to all of us for so many years (ignoring the new coke disaster), is not one unified formula. It actually varies by country/region. The three varieties I have tasted are in order of magnificence:
1. Mexico
2. USA
3. Italy
To be fair I haven't tasted the European flavor in some time and the circumstances I tried it under were less than ideal. Nonetheless I had a bad experience that has stuck with me. Setting that aside the Mexican formula is 'El Awesome'. Hands down the best coke formula in the known universe.
And now to a venue for the coke event. First a container must be chosen. Again in order of taste from greatest to least.
1. A glass glass
2. A plastic cup
3. A paper cup
4. A Styrofoam cup
This list is pretty straight forward. Similar to the principles of glass bottling, glass drinking provides a consistently superior coking.
Finally we come to the cooling mechanism. Again in order of awesome.
1. Crushed ice
2. Cubed ice
3. No Ice - chilled
4. Ice emulator (plastic dealy filled with water or some such)
5. No Ice - warm.
(I'll skip here the discussion of the proper care of ice without which your coke experience may be marred by the taste of refrigeration device.) I'm sure what stands out to you here is that plastic ice imitators have been trashed. This is just what they deserve. To drink a coke is to bask in the glory of its sugary goodness. Why screw this up by adding the experience of sucking on plastic? No. The taste of plastic sux. The only thing that it trumps is a 100% warm coke. The warm coke is the bastard step-son of cokes. You don't want it. Nobody wants it. Don't waste your time.
1. Can
2. Bottle
3. Sack-o-Syrup (for taps. Can be great if the mix is right)
Canned coke imbibed directly from the can is probably the worst Coke experience one can have. It should be avoided at all costs and is generally the result of laziness, haste, or a summer outing lacking in proper resources. The only potentially worse way to enjoy a Coke is from a badly mixed tap. Bottled coke and tap coke can be on par with each other with some caveats. Bottled coke is more consistent so you take on less risk of a taste infringement. On the other hand a tap coke is more likely to be served over ice, which is a huge taste enhancer. To put them on equal footing would require serving the tap coke without ice, which is highly discouraged. So, really one has to concede this battle to the bottle. Moving on to formula.
Coke, as perfect and reliable as it has been to all of us for so many years (ignoring the new coke disaster), is not one unified formula. It actually varies by country/region. The three varieties I have tasted are in order of magnificence:
1. Mexico
2. USA
3. Italy
To be fair I haven't tasted the European flavor in some time and the circumstances I tried it under were less than ideal. Nonetheless I had a bad experience that has stuck with me. Setting that aside the Mexican formula is 'El Awesome'. Hands down the best coke formula in the known universe.
And now to a venue for the coke event. First a container must be chosen. Again in order of taste from greatest to least.
1. A glass glass
2. A plastic cup
3. A paper cup
4. A Styrofoam cup
This list is pretty straight forward. Similar to the principles of glass bottling, glass drinking provides a consistently superior coking.
Finally we come to the cooling mechanism. Again in order of awesome.
1. Crushed ice
2. Cubed ice
3. No Ice - chilled
4. Ice emulator (plastic dealy filled with water or some such)
5. No Ice - warm.
(I'll skip here the discussion of the proper care of ice without which your coke experience may be marred by the taste of refrigeration device.) I'm sure what stands out to you here is that plastic ice imitators have been trashed. This is just what they deserve. To drink a coke is to bask in the glory of its sugary goodness. Why screw this up by adding the experience of sucking on plastic? No. The taste of plastic sux. The only thing that it trumps is a 100% warm coke. The warm coke is the bastard step-son of cokes. You don't want it. Nobody wants it. Don't waste your time.
Pepsi sux
It is not a debatable point. It is not a matter of opinion. It is a plain and simple fact. A pure and objective truth. Pepsi sux.
Pepsi was created when Satan squeezed a zit on the rim of his anus and poured the resulting puss over ice and served it to a customer while working the night shift at Shifty's All-Night Burger in Southern California. True story.
Given the irrefutable fact that Pepsi sux how can it then be so quickly offered as a substitute for coke when some crappy restaurant has decided not to serve coke? I mean they are not even the same KIND of thing. Coke is a tasty beverage with depth and nuance (more on this in another post). Pepsi is pure liquid suck. If they ran out of steaks and I ordered a steak would the waiter offer me a concrete cinder block or a cup of motor oil as viable replacements? No. Why then, I ask you, is it acceptable for this to occur:
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink.
Me: Coke
Waiter: We have pepsi?
At this point I should respond with:
Me: Interesting. Do you have anything else completely unrelated to the tasty beverage that is coke you'd like to offer to sell me? Perhaps some maggot infested cheetah carcasses?
Yeesh.
Pepsi was created when Satan squeezed a zit on the rim of his anus and poured the resulting puss over ice and served it to a customer while working the night shift at Shifty's All-Night Burger in Southern California. True story.
Given the irrefutable fact that Pepsi sux how can it then be so quickly offered as a substitute for coke when some crappy restaurant has decided not to serve coke? I mean they are not even the same KIND of thing. Coke is a tasty beverage with depth and nuance (more on this in another post). Pepsi is pure liquid suck. If they ran out of steaks and I ordered a steak would the waiter offer me a concrete cinder block or a cup of motor oil as viable replacements? No. Why then, I ask you, is it acceptable for this to occur:
Waiter: Would you like anything to drink.
Me: Coke
Waiter: We have pepsi?
At this point I should respond with:
Me: Interesting. Do you have anything else completely unrelated to the tasty beverage that is coke you'd like to offer to sell me? Perhaps some maggot infested cheetah carcasses?
Yeesh.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ninja Code #123
Some chat logs are worth keeping.
matthew: that is odd to me - that they wouldn't call you. Unless they are sending a very subtle message that they'd rather not have you along.
matthew: that is odd to me - that they wouldn't call you. Unless they are sending a very subtle message that they'd rather not have you along.
7:24 AM me: I'm going to send a subtle message when I put a bomb in their car
matthew: Maybe you misunderstood.
the time I mean
me: and kill their children
and burn down their houses
matthew: I just can't believe that people would be that rude. THats damned rude.
7:25 AM or at least unleash a tirade of blistering rhetoric.
and sarcasm ...
me: burn their souls instead? maybe that will work
but I must have my vengeance!
7:27 AM matthew: you may have to bring out... "The Book of Ultimake Dark, Nasty, and Mean Supernatural Inflictions" ... or as its other wise known ... The Book of UDNAMSI...
Oh dam ...
me: LOL
matthew: its serious ...
did the lights just dim?
me: lol
7:28 AM matthew: see ...
its all better ...
you laughed ...
crisis averted
me: I did, but they must still die
matthew: oh well ...
call it thinning the heard ... that makes it sound more humane ...
7:29 AM If I ever get accused of murder - - - I'm gonna try that defense.
me: They made me get up WAY too early to just let that shit slide on by without even a single killing. Imagine if word got out onto the streets that I was letting that sort of thing fly?
I'd have my ninja status revoked
7:30 AM at least 7 ninjas would be dispatched immediately to permanently revoke my life status as well
7:31 AM matthew: But the whole point of maintaining your rep would be for people to KNOW it was you that did the killing, but your Ninja oaths requiring stealth, require that no-one know who or when the killing was accomplished. If you were so brazen and sloppy as to let your "involvement" be widely known - you may also be endangering your ninjsa tatus ...
a tough dilemma.
7:32 AM me: agreed. Let's err on the side of death though.
to be safe
matthew: ahh - falling back on the Ninja Code Number 123. Always a good bet.
7:33 AM me: lol
yeah
Code 123 - "Always Err on the side of death."
Never Trust a Fart
Yesterday I was in meetings all day. At some point during the day there was a short break and I headed for the John. When I pulled up to the urinal a guy I know, and who is also in this all day meeting, was in the urinal to my left. As I began to drain the lizard I let loose this large volume of gas that had been pestering me for over an hour. The sudden release of this large volume of pent up gases produced a flatulence that was nearly ear-splitting in volume. This caused no visible or audible reaction in my bathroom partner. I, on the other hand, was physically unable to prevent snickering and chuckling of the juvenile variety which are often evoked in young men as the result of such emanations. It was this loss of composure, and not the causal fart that produced in me some degree of embarrassment. This embarrassment only increased as my attempts to suppress the chuckling served to increase its desire to erupt. I am 4.
The bowels of bad code
Sometimes when wading deep into the bowels of a horrendously fiendish code base I will go through various stages of mental anguish on my way to a total mental breakdown.
Stage 1: Bewilderment and questioning. Things like "how does this even work?" "Are you sure this works?" "Can someone show me this running in production, I don't believe this works".
Stage 1: Bewilderment and questioning. Things like "how does this even work?" "Are you sure this works?" "Can someone show me this running in production, I don't believe this works".
Stage 2: Cursing, anger, and fear. "Fuck". "OMFG, no way this shit can be this bad." "What the fuck could they have been thinking." "Dear God, please help..."
Stage 3: Laughter. The mind has begun to lose it's hold on the fabric of reality. There is a small tearing sound originating from behind the right ear, followed by snickers and then belly laughs. After a while you realize the laughter is coming from your own mouth.
Stage 4: Tears. Crocodiles only dream of weeping tears this big and perfect.
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